We all missed you on Christmas, my Love. But not to fear: we celebrated and enjoyed ourselves instead of dwelling out loud on the one who could not be with us, although I could feel how much everyone was missing you.
I feel bad for making Mom cry so much with the cards and gifts. I signed her card "in loving memory of John" and gave her a framed photo of your Navy portrait. They are supposed to be loving keepsakes, and I hope that in time they can bring her and Dad more smiles than tears.
I got cards from Arlette and Phil, Rhonda, Pat and Jeanette, and Betsy. All were thinking of you and wishing me peace. I hope that Chris was able to pick up your affects from Dad this evening. I was sorry to miss him and Michelle and the kids on Christmas.
I am with Michael and TJ again this week. Reverend Kasandra (who presided over the wedding back in April) is ill with terminal cancer and is in hospice care. I will be going with them to visit her this week. I also wanted to celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary with them. I thought it would help make the celebration happy and loving. We're going to Bravo's. It's a nice Italian restaurant here in Pittsburgh. I think you would like it.
Sometimes I miss you so much that it feels like there is a hole inside me the size of the universe. And sometimes I miss you and can smile and feel strong at the thought of all the wonderful moments we cherished. May the latter come to fill the former.
I love you, meine Engel. Merry Christmas and happy seventh anniversary!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
I got it!
I got the job, Liebe. And I know how proud you must be of me. I just wish you could have been there in person when I got the call.
I know you always had confidence in me. And now I must say it: "you were right, Sweets."
Michael is extremely proud of me too. He told me that he never had any doubt that I could do it. Bernice cheered when she heard the news too.
I owe this achievement to you. It was you all the way. I just showed up and did my thing, but I wouldn't even have known about the opportunity if not for you.
I love you, Dear Heart.
I just wish I didn't feel so horrible most of the time. I hope my prayers will be answered.
Love you, love you. More each day.
Share another dream with me soon? *Kisses your photo* Please?
I know you always had confidence in me. And now I must say it: "you were right, Sweets."
Michael is extremely proud of me too. He told me that he never had any doubt that I could do it. Bernice cheered when she heard the news too.
I owe this achievement to you. It was you all the way. I just showed up and did my thing, but I wouldn't even have known about the opportunity if not for you.
I love you, Dear Heart.
I just wish I didn't feel so horrible most of the time. I hope my prayers will be answered.
Love you, love you. More each day.
Share another dream with me soon? *Kisses your photo* Please?
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Terrible sometimes
Dear Liebe, I'm not sure I've felt quite this bad yet. I'm sure I have, but I just feel so hopeless. Will I ever have anything that makes me truly happy ever again? Will I ever get out of bed again, each day genuinely looking forward to something? Will life ever feel like life again?
All I want is to be with you, wherever you are. I pray to our God that it won't have to be too long before I can be with you again, and if it must, to give me something that makes me truly happy in the meantime.
The wrong one of us died, Love, I'm sure of that. I know that it would be just as hard for you to stay strong, but you WERE Aeromarine and every other one of our dreams. You didn't need me to make them work, only to provide assistance and inspiration. Plus, you would have the boys, and they would have needed you. And you know I would have been right there with you still, in whatever way I could. No, the far more valuable of the two of us is gone. I don't undersand why that is.
If there's a reason and purpose for me to still be there, I pray that it will become clear to me and that I don't have to wait oto long to get some glimpse or idea of it. I also pray, perhaps harder than anything (because I just can't bear the pain sometimes) that God give me something to restore happiness and meaning to my life.
Will te hurt ever abate? How long must I ache like this? I don't want to be here...I want to be with you. I want to go.
But it seems that I have no other choice but to stay. May God help me make that stay worthwhile and fulfilling again. Please God, bless me with happiness again.
And please, Love, if you can, reach out to me somehow so that I can wake up feeling your love and inspiration in my heart and soul, and move on the way you want me to. You believe in my strength and potential. Please, may I come to believe in it as well.
I love you, Dearest Heart.
And I will find a way to do good by you. Somehow. Just be with me in whatever way you can.
All I want is to be with you, wherever you are. I pray to our God that it won't have to be too long before I can be with you again, and if it must, to give me something that makes me truly happy in the meantime.
The wrong one of us died, Love, I'm sure of that. I know that it would be just as hard for you to stay strong, but you WERE Aeromarine and every other one of our dreams. You didn't need me to make them work, only to provide assistance and inspiration. Plus, you would have the boys, and they would have needed you. And you know I would have been right there with you still, in whatever way I could. No, the far more valuable of the two of us is gone. I don't undersand why that is.
If there's a reason and purpose for me to still be there, I pray that it will become clear to me and that I don't have to wait oto long to get some glimpse or idea of it. I also pray, perhaps harder than anything (because I just can't bear the pain sometimes) that God give me something to restore happiness and meaning to my life.
Will te hurt ever abate? How long must I ache like this? I don't want to be here...I want to be with you. I want to go.
But it seems that I have no other choice but to stay. May God help me make that stay worthwhile and fulfilling again. Please God, bless me with happiness again.
And please, Love, if you can, reach out to me somehow so that I can wake up feeling your love and inspiration in my heart and soul, and move on the way you want me to. You believe in my strength and potential. Please, may I come to believe in it as well.
I love you, Dearest Heart.
And I will find a way to do good by you. Somehow. Just be with me in whatever way you can.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Prost!
"Here's to family who couldn't be with us physically tonight."
"Prost!"
And with that, the three of us toasted to you with a wonderful imported Bavarian beer called Franziskaner Weisbeer. You would have loved it! Very mild, with a hint of sweetness. (Like me, you might be tempted to say.) I just hope that you were there in spirit.
I love you, Sweetness. I hope that I can always stay strong and be inspired by your love.
"Prost!"
And with that, the three of us toasted to you with a wonderful imported Bavarian beer called Franziskaner Weisbeer. You would have loved it! Very mild, with a hint of sweetness. (Like me, you might be tempted to say.) I just hope that you were there in spirit.
I love you, Sweetness. I hope that I can always stay strong and be inspired by your love.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Just...today
If I miss you this bad and feel so lonely in the home of those (still living) that I love most, imagine how bad it gets when I'm by myself at Kathrinstadt sometimes.
TJ hit the nail right on the head: I want the hurt to stop, but the hurt is a product of and testament to the love shared with the person lost.
But Love, I know you wouldn't want me to hurt this much. Nor would I you, were our roles reversed. But both of us know that, because of the nature of our love, such hurt is unavoidable. It's how we bear ourselves through it that matters and makes the difference. And I am trying to keep my head up and keep going just as you would want and expect.
I often ask the question, why you and not me? Is it because you wouldn't be able to be as strong as I am? I always felt you were the far stronger of the two of us (not to mention the more experienced, innovative, determined, enterprising, and so on), but then you used to say things about how you'd climb into a bittle or end it if you lost me. And I told you I would never want that for you and that I would need for you to carry on for me, and for those here on earth who still love you. So that's what I'm trying to do. I do think the more valuable of us was taken, and that's one of the reasons it seems so unfair (besides the obvious).
Grief feels too much like a chronic and debilitating illness. Or a disabling injury. Or anything else that takes away one's ability to feel happy, healthy, and whole. And the grieving walk among the non-grieving and have to feel different and see all that we're missing, and that doesn't help matters.
I asked Michael the other night whether he thought you chose to go in order to give me a financial advantage. And he insists that, no, you didn't. He's sure that you wanted to stay but just weren't able to because your body was no longer viable. I really hope you didn't give up because you thought it would make things better for me. That would make me angry. Not at you, just...angry. Because I would trade every cent and speck of material security just to have you back. I wouldn't think twice if I were given that chance. Michael insists that you would have given anything to be able to stay with me and the boys, but that you had no other choice.
I have enjoyed and am grateful for the dreams I've had of you. I wonder what to make of last night's. I hope what you said to me in the dream, and the enthusiasm of your reaction, reflects what you'd truly feel (now, not before) about the matter.
It goes without saying, but I miss you, Dear Heart. And I love you beyond words.
I pray that one day, not too long from now, telling you "I love you" will bring a smile to my lips and inspiration to my heart instead of just tears to my eyes and pangs of emptiness.
I love you desperately, Sweetest. And I always will, just as strong as ever.
TJ hit the nail right on the head: I want the hurt to stop, but the hurt is a product of and testament to the love shared with the person lost.
But Love, I know you wouldn't want me to hurt this much. Nor would I you, were our roles reversed. But both of us know that, because of the nature of our love, such hurt is unavoidable. It's how we bear ourselves through it that matters and makes the difference. And I am trying to keep my head up and keep going just as you would want and expect.
I often ask the question, why you and not me? Is it because you wouldn't be able to be as strong as I am? I always felt you were the far stronger of the two of us (not to mention the more experienced, innovative, determined, enterprising, and so on), but then you used to say things about how you'd climb into a bittle or end it if you lost me. And I told you I would never want that for you and that I would need for you to carry on for me, and for those here on earth who still love you. So that's what I'm trying to do. I do think the more valuable of us was taken, and that's one of the reasons it seems so unfair (besides the obvious).
Grief feels too much like a chronic and debilitating illness. Or a disabling injury. Or anything else that takes away one's ability to feel happy, healthy, and whole. And the grieving walk among the non-grieving and have to feel different and see all that we're missing, and that doesn't help matters.
I asked Michael the other night whether he thought you chose to go in order to give me a financial advantage. And he insists that, no, you didn't. He's sure that you wanted to stay but just weren't able to because your body was no longer viable. I really hope you didn't give up because you thought it would make things better for me. That would make me angry. Not at you, just...angry. Because I would trade every cent and speck of material security just to have you back. I wouldn't think twice if I were given that chance. Michael insists that you would have given anything to be able to stay with me and the boys, but that you had no other choice.
I have enjoyed and am grateful for the dreams I've had of you. I wonder what to make of last night's. I hope what you said to me in the dream, and the enthusiasm of your reaction, reflects what you'd truly feel (now, not before) about the matter.
It goes without saying, but I miss you, Dear Heart. And I love you beyond words.
I pray that one day, not too long from now, telling you "I love you" will bring a smile to my lips and inspiration to my heart instead of just tears to my eyes and pangs of emptiness.
I love you desperately, Sweetest. And I always will, just as strong as ever.
Monday, December 7, 2009
My home away from home
I love it here at Michael & TJ's. I know I'm not going to want to leave when the time comes. The one upside to the unlikely possibility that the job doesn't pan out is that it would offer me the opportunity to come up here again soon.
I remember the first time you and I came up here in 2005. Unfortunately, it was the only time you got to stay here with me, since you weren't given that time off for the wedding back in April.
I remember how hot it was in a house with no AC, and how you stuck to the leather couch when you tried to sleep on it!
I remember the wonderful seafood dish that Michael had waiting for us on the stove when we arrived, and how it was so rich that even after a long and hungry trip we couldn't finish it.
I remember listening to the Bilge Rats on the laptop with them, late into the night.
I remember the trip into Washington: Eat & Park, the Lemoyne house, and the day in the cemetery. I remember the three of you trying to pick up fallen headstones, and you saying something like what a "ballbuster" it was. I remember the tame deer that stuck their heads in through the car windows looking for handouts. I remember the photo session at the Montgomery family crypt and the brick we brought home. I remember how the three of you each woke up and saw a ghost that night, and I was the only one who didn't (story of my life).
I remember the long drive to and from. I made that drive on my own, as I mentioned. And I know how proud that must make you.
I only wish that neither Michael nor TJ had to work this week. Seeing them is wonderful. They are my family. And you and I are theirs and always will be.
I wish they lived in Florida! I would move them down there if I could.
We bought some genuine Bavarian beer. And some evening this week, we will toast to you!
Miss you, miss you, my Love.
You have no idea how much.
<3 Always.
I remember the first time you and I came up here in 2005. Unfortunately, it was the only time you got to stay here with me, since you weren't given that time off for the wedding back in April.
I remember how hot it was in a house with no AC, and how you stuck to the leather couch when you tried to sleep on it!
I remember the wonderful seafood dish that Michael had waiting for us on the stove when we arrived, and how it was so rich that even after a long and hungry trip we couldn't finish it.
I remember listening to the Bilge Rats on the laptop with them, late into the night.
I remember the trip into Washington: Eat & Park, the Lemoyne house, and the day in the cemetery. I remember the three of you trying to pick up fallen headstones, and you saying something like what a "ballbuster" it was. I remember the tame deer that stuck their heads in through the car windows looking for handouts. I remember the photo session at the Montgomery family crypt and the brick we brought home. I remember how the three of you each woke up and saw a ghost that night, and I was the only one who didn't (story of my life).
I remember the long drive to and from. I made that drive on my own, as I mentioned. And I know how proud that must make you.
I only wish that neither Michael nor TJ had to work this week. Seeing them is wonderful. They are my family. And you and I are theirs and always will be.
I wish they lived in Florida! I would move them down there if I could.
We bought some genuine Bavarian beer. And some evening this week, we will toast to you!
Miss you, miss you, my Love.
You have no idea how much.
<3 Always.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Morning again
First morning of my stay in Pittsburgh. There are snow flurries. I know how much you would have loved those.
It is strange and sad not to be able to call you first thing upon waking like I did every morning that I was up here for the wedding back in April. Even worse that I can never do so again, from anywhere.
I know it's not what you'd want me to think or say, but if the flu had to take you, I still wish it had taken me along with you. I will always wish that. I'm sorry.
I hope that life can bring me something that will make me glad to still be around. Can it? Right now, it's difficult to imagine anything of the sort. The best I manage to do is find something like my friendship with Michael and TJ that gives me some semblence of comfort and enjoyment in your absence, but even that is but a shadow of my former life.
What shall I do, Love? I don't want to spend my life hurting. What now?
I know what you would tell me. And what you'd tell me still doesn't give me you.
I need you.
And I don't have a choice when it comes to carrying on.
That's why I wish we could have gone together.
I love you, Dear Heart.
It is strange and sad not to be able to call you first thing upon waking like I did every morning that I was up here for the wedding back in April. Even worse that I can never do so again, from anywhere.
I know it's not what you'd want me to think or say, but if the flu had to take you, I still wish it had taken me along with you. I will always wish that. I'm sorry.
I hope that life can bring me something that will make me glad to still be around. Can it? Right now, it's difficult to imagine anything of the sort. The best I manage to do is find something like my friendship with Michael and TJ that gives me some semblence of comfort and enjoyment in your absence, but even that is but a shadow of my former life.
What shall I do, Love? I don't want to spend my life hurting. What now?
I know what you would tell me. And what you'd tell me still doesn't give me you.
I need you.
And I don't have a choice when it comes to carrying on.
That's why I wish we could have gone together.
I love you, Dear Heart.
Friday, December 4, 2009
I made it!
I made it to Pennsylvania in one piece, Liebe. But I'm sure you know that. You always had faith in me and believed that I would achieve anything I undertook. And it is largely because you believed in me that I have come to believe in myself as strongly as I do. I knew I could make this drive, no problem, and I did. But then again I had the best driving instructor/co-pilot in the world. *Kiss*
Michael and TJ and I have had such a great time reminiscing about you. I told them that sory about that silly kid that you intimidated that time in O'Malley's pub, and they were rolling on the floor. Michael said he would have paid to see that and wishes he could have been there to buy you a drink.
We looked at a bunch of old photos that Mom loaned me. There are a bunch of baby pictures that I adore...and I know that if you were here, you'd be saying "burn them, burn them now!" and hiding them all fro view. But I love them. My Sweetheart was such an adorable baby! I do want to know who that girl was, the one who was all over you in your sailor uniform... (Who could blame her?) Such a "chick magnet" indeed!
I am saying a special prayer for you tonight. I won't post it here. I just hope you hear it.
I love you, Dearest. Let's hope I see you again in my dreams soon. I loved that one the other night where we kissed! I adore you.
Gutes schlafen!
Ich liebe Sie!
Always.
Michael and TJ and I have had such a great time reminiscing about you. I told them that sory about that silly kid that you intimidated that time in O'Malley's pub, and they were rolling on the floor. Michael said he would have paid to see that and wishes he could have been there to buy you a drink.
We looked at a bunch of old photos that Mom loaned me. There are a bunch of baby pictures that I adore...and I know that if you were here, you'd be saying "burn them, burn them now!" and hiding them all fro view. But I love them. My Sweetheart was such an adorable baby! I do want to know who that girl was, the one who was all over you in your sailor uniform... (Who could blame her?) Such a "chick magnet" indeed!
I am saying a special prayer for you tonight. I won't post it here. I just hope you hear it.
I love you, Dearest. Let's hope I see you again in my dreams soon. I loved that one the other night where we kissed! I adore you.
Gutes schlafen!
Ich liebe Sie!
Always.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Bon voyage!
Well, Love, in the next ninety minutes I will be on my way to the wintry north to visit Michael and TJ. I don't have to tell you how much I wish you were sitting there beside me. I hope that you can be with me in whatever form you are able to. Please send me strength and happiness as I travel. I have my Traveling Angel pin from the cathedral close to my heart, along with many beautiful things you have given me. I miss you and love you, Dearest. Wish me bon voyage!
Ich liebe Sie!
Ich liebe Sie!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
I will forever be...
...your lovely "Rose of the Sea."
Remember that, Sweets? I always loved that nickname.
I love you so much, Darling.
Remember that, Sweets? I always loved that nickname.
I love you so much, Darling.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving, Sweetest!
Thanksgiving at Mom & Dads. I had a really nice time, especially since I had expected sadness and awkwardness. Mom was in good spirits, and we sat and looked at photos of you. She is going to try to locate some of hers as well. She also allowed me to borrow "Maman's Dream" so that I could provide genealogical information for Michael's family tree work (intended as a tribute to you). Dad was doing well too, and it was a pleasure to see Sis, Arthur and the kids. But, of course, your absence was felt throughout the meal. You missed a great feast...including pumpkin-apple pie.
Yesterday, in the store, I came across a new beer called Jack's Pumpkin Spice! Sis got such a kick out of that. I would have bought some, had I someone to share it with.
I miss you terribly, Dearest. Last night's dream was a comfort while it lasted, and I only wish that it hadn't ended the way it did. Next time, let's part company with smiles, kisses, and the promise that we will see each other again very soon.
Ich liebe Sie, my Love!
Yesterday, in the store, I came across a new beer called Jack's Pumpkin Spice! Sis got such a kick out of that. I would have bought some, had I someone to share it with.
I miss you terribly, Dearest. Last night's dream was a comfort while it lasted, and I only wish that it hadn't ended the way it did. Next time, let's part company with smiles, kisses, and the promise that we will see each other again very soon.
Ich liebe Sie, my Love!
Monday, November 23, 2009
My Love...
Six weeks.
I miss you terribly. Right now there is such a crushing hole inside me. Many days, it is difficult to grasp the hope I held onto at first. Is it still there? Please help me find it and be able to hold onto it for good.
I pray every night for you to be able to reach out to me, so that I can feel your presence and know in my heart that it's really you. And last night I dreamed about you. You were sitting up in bed. You looked well, not sick at all, and you were smiling and talking with me. You were reminiscing about the night we brought you to the hospital and how high your fever was. You were talking about it in the way you always had of making light of things that were once of concern but that you have now moved beyond and no longer need to worry about.
Was that really you with me? Or just a dream in the pure sense? Different people would argue that it was one or the other. I wish I knew whether or not it was really you.
I remember those dreams I used to have about my mom, where we both acknowledged that she was dead, but she was able to talk anyway and we thought it was no big deal. People told me that this was her way of making contact with me and visiting me. Could this be yours?
Please, come back to me in more dreams. Let us spend more loving time together, so that maybe I can wake up reassured and peaceful. Sleep is becoming more peaceful to me. I wish that waking could be the same.
My prayers remain just as strong, and I reiterate them every day. Please, let my Love reach out to me. Let me feel his presence around me. Let him make himself known to me in an unmistakable way, so that I can know in my soul that he is still with me, watching over me and loving me as much as always. I am selfish, Liebe, and need you here with me. As much as you can be. Please.
I love you, Dearest Heart. Be with me always.
I miss you terribly. Right now there is such a crushing hole inside me. Many days, it is difficult to grasp the hope I held onto at first. Is it still there? Please help me find it and be able to hold onto it for good.
I pray every night for you to be able to reach out to me, so that I can feel your presence and know in my heart that it's really you. And last night I dreamed about you. You were sitting up in bed. You looked well, not sick at all, and you were smiling and talking with me. You were reminiscing about the night we brought you to the hospital and how high your fever was. You were talking about it in the way you always had of making light of things that were once of concern but that you have now moved beyond and no longer need to worry about.
Was that really you with me? Or just a dream in the pure sense? Different people would argue that it was one or the other. I wish I knew whether or not it was really you.
I remember those dreams I used to have about my mom, where we both acknowledged that she was dead, but she was able to talk anyway and we thought it was no big deal. People told me that this was her way of making contact with me and visiting me. Could this be yours?
Please, come back to me in more dreams. Let us spend more loving time together, so that maybe I can wake up reassured and peaceful. Sleep is becoming more peaceful to me. I wish that waking could be the same.
My prayers remain just as strong, and I reiterate them every day. Please, let my Love reach out to me. Let me feel his presence around me. Let him make himself known to me in an unmistakable way, so that I can know in my soul that he is still with me, watching over me and loving me as much as always. I am selfish, Liebe, and need you here with me. As much as you can be. Please.
I love you, Dearest Heart. Be with me always.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Thinking of you
Sometimes, Sweets, the feeling of missing you comes at me like a freight train.
I wish I could stop thinking about that first day when I was calling out your name in despair, because it makes me weep for you as if it were that day all over again.
I go to sleep at peace, thinking of you watching over me. I wake up in agony and anxiety, thinking of you gone. Why can't I wake up the same way I go to sleep? I pray that day will come.
Every night, and several times throughout the day, I pray specifically that certain messages can be sent to you. I wonder if you get them. I hope that you have a more direct way of seeing and hearing me. That would mean that my prayers were answered. Actually, knowing that you could still see and hear me would mean that my prayers were answered.
I wish I were where you are. Will you wait for me? Please wait for me. Then, we can decide where to go once we're together again.
I love you.
Please let me feel that you're watching over me. And let that carry me through the day in peace and comfort.
I love you, Dearest One, and I always will!
PS: tonight, I saw a plane passing in and out of the clouds above me. At first I thought it was a flash of lightning, and then the aircraft emerged for several seconds before moving into another patch of clouds where only a faint glow marked its path until it appeared again. It kept up like this for a long time. What a beautiful sight. I hope you can see it too, from a different vantage point. And I wish we were there together.
I wish I could stop thinking about that first day when I was calling out your name in despair, because it makes me weep for you as if it were that day all over again.
I go to sleep at peace, thinking of you watching over me. I wake up in agony and anxiety, thinking of you gone. Why can't I wake up the same way I go to sleep? I pray that day will come.
Every night, and several times throughout the day, I pray specifically that certain messages can be sent to you. I wonder if you get them. I hope that you have a more direct way of seeing and hearing me. That would mean that my prayers were answered. Actually, knowing that you could still see and hear me would mean that my prayers were answered.
I wish I were where you are. Will you wait for me? Please wait for me. Then, we can decide where to go once we're together again.
I love you.
Please let me feel that you're watching over me. And let that carry me through the day in peace and comfort.
I love you, Dearest One, and I always will!
PS: tonight, I saw a plane passing in and out of the clouds above me. At first I thought it was a flash of lightning, and then the aircraft emerged for several seconds before moving into another patch of clouds where only a faint glow marked its path until it appeared again. It kept up like this for a long time. What a beautiful sight. I hope you can see it too, from a different vantage point. And I wish we were there together.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Margaritaville!
You know, Sweets...Jimmy Buffett and I sound pretty darn good in a duet.
"Margaritaville" was on the radio as I pulled up to the house tonight. Perfect timing. I sang along and dedicated it to you! Jimmy is good medicine.
Ich liebe Sie!
Love you, love you. *kisses your photo as I do every night*
"Margaritaville" was on the radio as I pulled up to the house tonight. Perfect timing. I sang along and dedicated it to you! Jimmy is good medicine.
Ich liebe Sie!
Love you, love you. *kisses your photo as I do every night*
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I hurt so much, Love...
My Dear Love...I need your strength and inspiration. I'm in a really bad place right now.
Nothing could make me feel "up" today, and that's the first time that's happened in a while. There's nobody to talk to right now. I just talked to TJ and it only made me feel worse. He's too pragmatic and I need someone who will lift me up and INSIST that I will feel better with time.
I'm so scared, Love.
I'm so scared about not getting the job that I so badly need and want...you know the one.
I'm so scared that I'll feel like this always.
I'm so scared that my life will go on for decades and that it will be decades of hell and loneliness. I want to know at least some of the happiness that we shared while you were with me here on earth. I want at least some of it back. Most of it. Dear Sweets, I don't know if I can go on with this loneliness and purposelessness.
I don't know who exactly I need to call on to bring your love and inspiration to me, so I'll call on everyone who I can think of: our God, our guides, our angels, and mostly you yourself.
I hurt so much, Love. I want you. I need you. If there's any way you can reach out to me, PLEASE DO IT!
I'm so alone right now and it's killing me. Don't let me fall, my Love. Come to me somehow, even if it's just to put a good peaceful feeling into my heart again. I feel like I'm dying. I want to feel alive and full of love and hope. Help me, Love. Be with me in spirit. Bring your love to me in any way you can.
I love you, Dearest. Whatever happens, wherever I go, wherever my path leads, know that you will always be my heart and soul and the greatest part of my life. And that you will be that way forever.
I love you. More than anything. Please come and love me back.
Nothing could make me feel "up" today, and that's the first time that's happened in a while. There's nobody to talk to right now. I just talked to TJ and it only made me feel worse. He's too pragmatic and I need someone who will lift me up and INSIST that I will feel better with time.
I'm so scared, Love.
I'm so scared about not getting the job that I so badly need and want...you know the one.
I'm so scared that I'll feel like this always.
I'm so scared that my life will go on for decades and that it will be decades of hell and loneliness. I want to know at least some of the happiness that we shared while you were with me here on earth. I want at least some of it back. Most of it. Dear Sweets, I don't know if I can go on with this loneliness and purposelessness.
I don't know who exactly I need to call on to bring your love and inspiration to me, so I'll call on everyone who I can think of: our God, our guides, our angels, and mostly you yourself.
I hurt so much, Love. I want you. I need you. If there's any way you can reach out to me, PLEASE DO IT!
I'm so alone right now and it's killing me. Don't let me fall, my Love. Come to me somehow, even if it's just to put a good peaceful feeling into my heart again. I feel like I'm dying. I want to feel alive and full of love and hope. Help me, Love. Be with me in spirit. Bring your love to me in any way you can.
I love you, Dearest. Whatever happens, wherever I go, wherever my path leads, know that you will always be my heart and soul and the greatest part of my life. And that you will be that way forever.
I love you. More than anything. Please come and love me back.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
I sang sea shanties...
...in the car last night and tonight. All from the Bilge Rats repertoire.
"Brave work, me boys, brave work I say!
Sam's gone away aboard a man o' war."
I went to see Bonnie today and we spent several hours enjoying photos and videos of you and the boys riding Shotgun. Later, I shared a nice dinner with Bernice. We ate tiramisu for dessert and watched The Last Detective (our favorite show to watch together).
Off to Gainesville this afternoon to spend the weekend with Sis.
I miss you terribly, Sweets. Betsy and I have been exchanging emails. Her husband passed in 2006, and she went through everything I am. She's right: you and I are very blessed to have come together as soul mates. Not many people ever have something as precious as what we have, my Love.
Please watch over me always. Comfort and inspire me. Guide my heart toward happiness again.
I love you more than anything!
"Brave work, me boys, brave work I say!
Sam's gone away aboard a man o' war."
I went to see Bonnie today and we spent several hours enjoying photos and videos of you and the boys riding Shotgun. Later, I shared a nice dinner with Bernice. We ate tiramisu for dessert and watched The Last Detective (our favorite show to watch together).
Off to Gainesville this afternoon to spend the weekend with Sis.
I miss you terribly, Sweets. Betsy and I have been exchanging emails. Her husband passed in 2006, and she went through everything I am. She's right: you and I are very blessed to have come together as soul mates. Not many people ever have something as precious as what we have, my Love.
Please watch over me always. Comfort and inspire me. Guide my heart toward happiness again.
I love you more than anything!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Airport lights
You know, Sweets...I cannot tell you how beautiful the lights on the St. Augustine Airport runways look at night. It's almost like Christmas.
I think it was you who first made that comparison. :-)
I love you, Dear Heart. Always!
I think it was you who first made that comparison. :-)
I love you, Dear Heart. Always!
Monday, November 2, 2009
Ups and downs
Mein Liebe,
Today I went to the Deland Airport and met with David. I also met someone named Wes who said he knew you as well. From there, I went to the Perfect Spot, sat at our usual window table, and had a sweet tea. My bag sat where you would have sat. It was not as painful there as I imagined, but the loneliness is with me always.
I can't sleep but four or five hours a night any more. I also can't sleep past 8:30 or 9:30 anymore no matter how late I stay up. I'm not sure why my body is doing this. I wake up with my heart pounding and anxiety running through me. Today was not as bad, but yesterday was hell.
I'm not meant to be without you. Why did this have to happen???
I miss you, Liebe. I am not a person without you. Why, why, why?
That awful dream the other night. I saw you, and we reached out to embrace each other, and then I woke up and saw your empty pillow.
It is so cruel.
And yet I know you want me to carry on. I even know that you want me to be happy.
Will I be happy, Sweets? I want to be. But the last nine years have been all about you, and you are such an intrinsic part of my identity that I wonder if I will ever feel truly alive, truly inspired, and truly happy ever again.
Was that you coming to me in a dream the other night? Or was it just my mind creating images. Either way, I longed to hold you. I want to dream about holding you, kissing you, loving you, feeling your warmth and your vitality, and to wake up sure that you are out there and that you reached out and found me again in the dream.
Please be there. Please come to me, in a dream...and preferably in reality. I would give anything in the universe to see you just one more time, for real, before we have to move on.
You are so beloved. By me and by everyone who knows you.
I hate that you're gone.
I need you.
I don't want to sink. Inspire me, Love. Please help to resurrect my happiness and will to live. Please be my angel and guide. Please be there for me always, no matter where we each may physically be.
I love you.
May we both be happy.
Today I went to the Deland Airport and met with David. I also met someone named Wes who said he knew you as well. From there, I went to the Perfect Spot, sat at our usual window table, and had a sweet tea. My bag sat where you would have sat. It was not as painful there as I imagined, but the loneliness is with me always.
I can't sleep but four or five hours a night any more. I also can't sleep past 8:30 or 9:30 anymore no matter how late I stay up. I'm not sure why my body is doing this. I wake up with my heart pounding and anxiety running through me. Today was not as bad, but yesterday was hell.
I'm not meant to be without you. Why did this have to happen???
I miss you, Liebe. I am not a person without you. Why, why, why?
That awful dream the other night. I saw you, and we reached out to embrace each other, and then I woke up and saw your empty pillow.
It is so cruel.
And yet I know you want me to carry on. I even know that you want me to be happy.
Will I be happy, Sweets? I want to be. But the last nine years have been all about you, and you are such an intrinsic part of my identity that I wonder if I will ever feel truly alive, truly inspired, and truly happy ever again.
Was that you coming to me in a dream the other night? Or was it just my mind creating images. Either way, I longed to hold you. I want to dream about holding you, kissing you, loving you, feeling your warmth and your vitality, and to wake up sure that you are out there and that you reached out and found me again in the dream.
Please be there. Please come to me, in a dream...and preferably in reality. I would give anything in the universe to see you just one more time, for real, before we have to move on.
You are so beloved. By me and by everyone who knows you.
I hate that you're gone.
I need you.
I don't want to sink. Inspire me, Love. Please help to resurrect my happiness and will to live. Please be my angel and guide. Please be there for me always, no matter where we each may physically be.
I love you.
May we both be happy.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Happy Halloween
And it was quite a happy Halloween, my Love. I wish you could have been there in person with me (you would have had such an excellent time), but there were people who insisted that you must have been there in spirit.
Alice invited me on her pub crawl. I had a cider at O'Malley's, a sangria at the Taberna, and a "southern pecan" beer at Stogies. O'Malley's is always cool, and Brad gave a fun history lesson at the Taberna (before he had to go off and don his Clockwork Orange getup). Stogies is quite nice too. Very pretty interior and a great beer selection. Makes me wish we'd checked it out together.
I drank a toast to you each time.
We also visited the American Legion and Santa Maria's. The moon was full and Matanzas Bay was like a dream. I imagined that you were there sharing it all with me. It gave me a very peaceful feeling. The water will always remind me of you in the best way.
Afterward, I went back to the Taberna where quite the Halloween gathering had amassed. Many of our friends were there, including several (Carter and Joanna, for instance) that we hadn't seen in a while. Excellent costumes too. Irene thought my bimbo costume idea was cute, so I'll have to do that one next year, maybe.
I finally made my exit around 10:30 so that the dogs could potty.
I hope I'll dream of you in wonderful ways tonight.
If only I could wake up with the same sense of peace and hope as when I go to bed. Can you help me with that, Liebe? Inspire me even in my darkest hours?
I love you, Sweet Sweet. Happy Halloween!
PS: found your wonderful Navy photos this afternoon. I cried tears of joy at the sight of them and thanked you. You are so beautiful and precious to me, Sweetest. I adore you.
Alice invited me on her pub crawl. I had a cider at O'Malley's, a sangria at the Taberna, and a "southern pecan" beer at Stogies. O'Malley's is always cool, and Brad gave a fun history lesson at the Taberna (before he had to go off and don his Clockwork Orange getup). Stogies is quite nice too. Very pretty interior and a great beer selection. Makes me wish we'd checked it out together.
I drank a toast to you each time.
We also visited the American Legion and Santa Maria's. The moon was full and Matanzas Bay was like a dream. I imagined that you were there sharing it all with me. It gave me a very peaceful feeling. The water will always remind me of you in the best way.
Afterward, I went back to the Taberna where quite the Halloween gathering had amassed. Many of our friends were there, including several (Carter and Joanna, for instance) that we hadn't seen in a while. Excellent costumes too. Irene thought my bimbo costume idea was cute, so I'll have to do that one next year, maybe.
I finally made my exit around 10:30 so that the dogs could potty.
I hope I'll dream of you in wonderful ways tonight.
If only I could wake up with the same sense of peace and hope as when I go to bed. Can you help me with that, Liebe? Inspire me even in my darkest hours?
I love you, Sweet Sweet. Happy Halloween!
PS: found your wonderful Navy photos this afternoon. I cried tears of joy at the sight of them and thanked you. You are so beautiful and precious to me, Sweetest. I adore you.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Miss you so much!
Dearest Sweetheart, I miss you so much. If I only knew for absolutely certain that you were out there waiting for me and watching over me, I think I could go on and be happy.
I am okay sometimes. I wish I was okay all the time.
I know you'd want me to be happy. You always talked about me living the high life as a widow and told me that I'd be lucky and be able to realize my dreams. Did you really mean that? Did you really believe that? How could you think that I'd be happy without you beside me? Did you say that to convince yourself that I'd be okay? I know you'd want me to be okay. I know it. But don't you know how much I love you? I feel like nothing will be okay ever again.
Nobody is here to hold me right now. I wouldn't want anyone but you holding me as I cry...and if I had you, there would be no need to cry.
I should never have cried for any other reason. Everything is trivial in comparison to not having you. To have you back would render everything else inconsequential. I told God while you were sick that I really believed we would make it and that everything would be okay for us as long as you survived.
If only I had something to convince me deep in my mind and heart that you are indeed still out there. I remember the time when I had unwavering faith in a life beyond this one. Now the doubts creep in sometimes, and that is the worst feeling in the world. Of course, it works both ways. What I wouldn't give to know for certain that you are there. Damn the doubts! Damn those who helped encourage them to grow. Damn this whole mess. There are times when I really believe that you're up there. And then there are times when I am scared to death that you're not. Please be there, my Love. Please, please, PLEASE be there.
I need you.
I need you and only you.
I wish it could have been me too. I know you wouldn't want that, but why must I be forced to carry on without you? This is hell, Love.
Why did you have to be taken?
Oh God, Sweetheart. I miss you so much that it's ripped me apart.
I ask that God bring me some unmistakable sign that you're still there. Sometimes I don't know if I can keep going. I hate these dark times. Please come to me somehow...please come back and comfort me. Even if it's only once. Just so I can feel your presence and be reassured that you're okay. Maybe then I can be okay.
May I dream comforting dreams. May I dream comforting thoughts. May I feel hopeful about the future. May I feel reassured that you're all right and that you will wait for me and keep yourself for me always.
I love you.
May that love inspire me instead of break my heart. May that love plant the seed for hope and happiness.
I love you more than anything. You are my treasure, my soul, and the best part of my existence. I will love you for eternity.
If you can reach me, please be my angel always.
I am okay sometimes. I wish I was okay all the time.
I know you'd want me to be happy. You always talked about me living the high life as a widow and told me that I'd be lucky and be able to realize my dreams. Did you really mean that? Did you really believe that? How could you think that I'd be happy without you beside me? Did you say that to convince yourself that I'd be okay? I know you'd want me to be okay. I know it. But don't you know how much I love you? I feel like nothing will be okay ever again.
Nobody is here to hold me right now. I wouldn't want anyone but you holding me as I cry...and if I had you, there would be no need to cry.
I should never have cried for any other reason. Everything is trivial in comparison to not having you. To have you back would render everything else inconsequential. I told God while you were sick that I really believed we would make it and that everything would be okay for us as long as you survived.
If only I had something to convince me deep in my mind and heart that you are indeed still out there. I remember the time when I had unwavering faith in a life beyond this one. Now the doubts creep in sometimes, and that is the worst feeling in the world. Of course, it works both ways. What I wouldn't give to know for certain that you are there. Damn the doubts! Damn those who helped encourage them to grow. Damn this whole mess. There are times when I really believe that you're up there. And then there are times when I am scared to death that you're not. Please be there, my Love. Please, please, PLEASE be there.
I need you.
I need you and only you.
I wish it could have been me too. I know you wouldn't want that, but why must I be forced to carry on without you? This is hell, Love.
Why did you have to be taken?
Oh God, Sweetheart. I miss you so much that it's ripped me apart.
I ask that God bring me some unmistakable sign that you're still there. Sometimes I don't know if I can keep going. I hate these dark times. Please come to me somehow...please come back and comfort me. Even if it's only once. Just so I can feel your presence and be reassured that you're okay. Maybe then I can be okay.
May I dream comforting dreams. May I dream comforting thoughts. May I feel hopeful about the future. May I feel reassured that you're all right and that you will wait for me and keep yourself for me always.
I love you.
May that love inspire me instead of break my heart. May that love plant the seed for hope and happiness.
I love you more than anything. You are my treasure, my soul, and the best part of my existence. I will love you for eternity.
If you can reach me, please be my angel always.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
St. Augustine
Busy day today (mostly in a good way). David, whose daughter Angel works at Buzz Mart and who used to work on wells for a living until he lost his arm, came this morning to adjust the bolts on the pump. He replaced several leaky pipes yesterday, so our pump is back up to snuff. ("Snuff?") I didn't have to pay him a thing. It was quite fortuitous that Bernice and I ran into Angel and that she called her dad and arranged for him to look at the pump. The family seems quite nice and I'm very grateful that I met them when I did.
Then the DISH Network guy came and set up my new satellite subscription. I qualified for the special rate and free HBO and Showtime, so now there's TV in the house again. This evening, I watched "The Skeptic" on DVD, which was quite a spooky movie and which you would probably have enjoyed. I remember how we loved watching spooky movies together. I had to cuddle up to our baby dog during the creepier parts.
But back up to this afternoon. Once the DISH guy was finished, I drove to downtown St. Augustine. I discovered this great diecast model store (I told you about it while you were in the hospital) and I bought three new aircraft for the store: a Corgi "nose art" Me-109, a Corgi Pan-Am Clipper flying boat, and a Matchbox Piper Comanche. Then I went to Wolf's Head Books and bought two aircraft books as well. They have a huge (nope, I won't say it!) selection of WWI and WWII aviation books. I could spend a fortune in there stocking the store. But I should probably see if I can move these two books first. I'm sure I can.
I parked in the Charlotte Street lot and walked St. George for a while. I hung with Brad and Gili at the Taberna and then with Jeff and Alice down at O'Malley's. Alice has been instrumental in helping to plan your memorial. It's going to be a hell of a party! It was so nice to see them all. I also met an Australian expatriate (friend of Jeff's) who may be able to help me research my new novel. She's a wealth of information and is quite interested in my writing. All in all, a very nice evening.
Wish you were here. I hope you can see me somehow. I hope I make you proud in all I do.
Was that you this morning? I felt someone adjust the comforter as I slept. Did you hear what I whispered to you? If that was you, please come back whenever you can and check on me as I sleep. It was always such a comfort knowing that you were there.
Ich liebe Sie, mein Mann!
Then the DISH Network guy came and set up my new satellite subscription. I qualified for the special rate and free HBO and Showtime, so now there's TV in the house again. This evening, I watched "The Skeptic" on DVD, which was quite a spooky movie and which you would probably have enjoyed. I remember how we loved watching spooky movies together. I had to cuddle up to our baby dog during the creepier parts.
But back up to this afternoon. Once the DISH guy was finished, I drove to downtown St. Augustine. I discovered this great diecast model store (I told you about it while you were in the hospital) and I bought three new aircraft for the store: a Corgi "nose art" Me-109, a Corgi Pan-Am Clipper flying boat, and a Matchbox Piper Comanche. Then I went to Wolf's Head Books and bought two aircraft books as well. They have a huge (nope, I won't say it!) selection of WWI and WWII aviation books. I could spend a fortune in there stocking the store. But I should probably see if I can move these two books first. I'm sure I can.
I parked in the Charlotte Street lot and walked St. George for a while. I hung with Brad and Gili at the Taberna and then with Jeff and Alice down at O'Malley's. Alice has been instrumental in helping to plan your memorial. It's going to be a hell of a party! It was so nice to see them all. I also met an Australian expatriate (friend of Jeff's) who may be able to help me research my new novel. She's a wealth of information and is quite interested in my writing. All in all, a very nice evening.
Wish you were here. I hope you can see me somehow. I hope I make you proud in all I do.
Was that you this morning? I felt someone adjust the comforter as I slept. Did you hear what I whispered to you? If that was you, please come back whenever you can and check on me as I sleep. It was always such a comfort knowing that you were there.
Ich liebe Sie, mein Mann!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Happy birthday, my Love!
Everybody wished you well and remembered you with love on your birthday. All of Volusia County misses you. But nobody as much as me.
I miss your sweet kisses. May I dream about them often and always remember how sweet you taste and feel. I love you, Dear Heart.
Please send me your love and inspiration somehow. I need it.
Ich liebe Sie!
I miss your sweet kisses. May I dream about them often and always remember how sweet you taste and feel. I love you, Dear Heart.
Please send me your love and inspiration somehow. I need it.
Ich liebe Sie!
Sunday, October 25, 2009
The weekend
Busy weekend, my Love...
Bernice and I went antiquing on Saturday (including that old shop where you saw a ghost that time). I found the most wonderful ship's trunk for you. It's extremely heavy and painted in blue-gray marine grade paint. It would be perfect for your boots and other rugged gear. I hope they still have it when I call back. I also found a huge store that sells diecast models...mostly Fluegzeuge! They have several Corgi models that I think I could actually move in the store. They also have all the Postage Stamp planes. The trick is selecting the ones with the most profit margin without giving away the fact that I'm trying to sell them myself. ;)
And the even better news? I have a new car! Pat and Jeanette brought it home to me last night. It's beautiful. Reminds me something of the Alero...even similar in color. I'm staying at Bernice's tonight and going into work with her tomorrow. I can take care of the tag and registration, and I can also pay a visit to most of your friends at the county. I'm hoping I can stop in to see Bob Ervin too. Bernice is going to see if she can find out when they make the hiring decisions for the Sheriff's Department so I can have some idea when to expect a letter.
Dad and I went to see the boys today. We took Eddie home to Mike and brought a bunch of their belongings and clothes to them. I gave Sean many of your books, including Mysterious Sea Stories and a lot of your military and aviation books. I'm sure that's all right with you. Both of the boys love your books. I also gave them many of the DVDs and videos. They wanted Conspiracy but I couldn't bring myself to part with that one.
It was difficult seeing the boys. They are coping very well (at least they put on that much of a front...but I know how strong they are and I know they'll make it through). Mike asked me if I was doing okay and I nodded. I could barely speak. Of course I couldn't say that I wasn't, and I didn't want to cry in front of them. Dad broke down while he was talking with them. We were both upset for part of the ride back. I gave my card to someone at the Circle K in Okeechobee hoping that she would get it to that guy we usually talk with on Sundays. I couldn't remember his name, so hopefully she gives it to the right person. It was a hard time.
It was so good to get back up north and see Bernice. We had dinner at Denny's (Grand Slam with eggs over hard, a biscuit, hash browns with sauteed onions, and sausage links...and a chocolate shake), and now I'm at her place and she's making me tea and ice cream.
I miss you so much, Love. Will I ever be okay?
Please be out there, watching over me. Please give me a sign.
I adore you. And I always will.
Bernice and I went antiquing on Saturday (including that old shop where you saw a ghost that time). I found the most wonderful ship's trunk for you. It's extremely heavy and painted in blue-gray marine grade paint. It would be perfect for your boots and other rugged gear. I hope they still have it when I call back. I also found a huge store that sells diecast models...mostly Fluegzeuge! They have several Corgi models that I think I could actually move in the store. They also have all the Postage Stamp planes. The trick is selecting the ones with the most profit margin without giving away the fact that I'm trying to sell them myself. ;)
And the even better news? I have a new car! Pat and Jeanette brought it home to me last night. It's beautiful. Reminds me something of the Alero...even similar in color. I'm staying at Bernice's tonight and going into work with her tomorrow. I can take care of the tag and registration, and I can also pay a visit to most of your friends at the county. I'm hoping I can stop in to see Bob Ervin too. Bernice is going to see if she can find out when they make the hiring decisions for the Sheriff's Department so I can have some idea when to expect a letter.
Dad and I went to see the boys today. We took Eddie home to Mike and brought a bunch of their belongings and clothes to them. I gave Sean many of your books, including Mysterious Sea Stories and a lot of your military and aviation books. I'm sure that's all right with you. Both of the boys love your books. I also gave them many of the DVDs and videos. They wanted Conspiracy but I couldn't bring myself to part with that one.
It was difficult seeing the boys. They are coping very well (at least they put on that much of a front...but I know how strong they are and I know they'll make it through). Mike asked me if I was doing okay and I nodded. I could barely speak. Of course I couldn't say that I wasn't, and I didn't want to cry in front of them. Dad broke down while he was talking with them. We were both upset for part of the ride back. I gave my card to someone at the Circle K in Okeechobee hoping that she would get it to that guy we usually talk with on Sundays. I couldn't remember his name, so hopefully she gives it to the right person. It was a hard time.
It was so good to get back up north and see Bernice. We had dinner at Denny's (Grand Slam with eggs over hard, a biscuit, hash browns with sauteed onions, and sausage links...and a chocolate shake), and now I'm at her place and she's making me tea and ice cream.
I miss you so much, Love. Will I ever be okay?
Please be out there, watching over me. Please give me a sign.
I adore you. And I always will.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Bernice
Bernice is here. She is wonderful. She completely understands everything I'm going through...even more than Sis because she went through this herself. What would I do without her? I think I'd be completely lost.
I love you, Dearest. I miss and love you more every day. Always.
I love you, Dearest. I miss and love you more every day. Always.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Back from Gainesville
Back at Kathrinstadt, Liebe.
The word I use when I am able to push on through difficult times is "galvanized." I think you can appreciate that word. Kind of like "unleashed." It's one of those cool guy-guy words. Works for outdoor girls like me too. *wink*
I put the new Bed in a Bag on. It looks quite nice, albeit a bit dark for the black wrought iron frame (but I'm not complaining). It's a nice navy, gray, and white nautical stripe with a flower pattern added for contrast...although you know which side I prefer. I also vacuumed the house for Bernice and installed the new vanilla coconut plug-in freshener that Sis bought me from Bath & Body Works.
Eddie dismantled his house (possibly as a response to Michael and TJ leaving last week), so Dad put him in the Ford where Duchess used to be. We are taking him home to the boys on Sunday, along with as many of their things that I can fit into Dad's truck on this trip. Bernice is coming tomorrow evening. I have to go to the funeral home to pick you up, and since I didn't know what kind of shape I'd be in after that, I decided to invite her for the weekend. It's a shame that the trip with Dad will be Sunday, since I'll have to cut my visit with her short, but at least I get to spend some time with her. I'm going to try to have Alice over on Monday or Tuesday to see what kind of progress we can make on your party planning.
Ace and Shadow got into a snarl fight over a bowl of soup just now. I had the damnedest time trying to separate them! My bellowing just doesn't have the intimidation factor that yours did, LOL.
I'm going to call Michael and TJ to let them know I'm back safely. Then I'll probably watch an episode of The Last Detective, the new mystery series that I've gotten into (mainly because it stars the guy who played Campion).
You would have enjoyed Gainesville. There are some beautiful old sections, including an art deco megaplex movie theater. I think it's actually an older theater, not just a new one designed in deco style. I was also admiring the art deco bar at Macaroni Grill while we had lunch. They make a mean tomato basil soup. I'll bet they make some mean drinks too, but I'm not in the mood to toast with anybody but my Love. Still, you would have loved that bar.
Arthur is a US citizen now. I attended the ceremony. Interesting, but drawn out. I was kind of disappointed, but at least it was something I'd never seen before.
I miss you, Sweets. Bernice does too, and I'm sure it'll be wonderful to have her as a guest again. She sends her love, no doubt.
Ich liebe Sie. Gutes schlafen, mein Mann!
The word I use when I am able to push on through difficult times is "galvanized." I think you can appreciate that word. Kind of like "unleashed." It's one of those cool guy-guy words. Works for outdoor girls like me too. *wink*
I put the new Bed in a Bag on. It looks quite nice, albeit a bit dark for the black wrought iron frame (but I'm not complaining). It's a nice navy, gray, and white nautical stripe with a flower pattern added for contrast...although you know which side I prefer. I also vacuumed the house for Bernice and installed the new vanilla coconut plug-in freshener that Sis bought me from Bath & Body Works.
Eddie dismantled his house (possibly as a response to Michael and TJ leaving last week), so Dad put him in the Ford where Duchess used to be. We are taking him home to the boys on Sunday, along with as many of their things that I can fit into Dad's truck on this trip. Bernice is coming tomorrow evening. I have to go to the funeral home to pick you up, and since I didn't know what kind of shape I'd be in after that, I decided to invite her for the weekend. It's a shame that the trip with Dad will be Sunday, since I'll have to cut my visit with her short, but at least I get to spend some time with her. I'm going to try to have Alice over on Monday or Tuesday to see what kind of progress we can make on your party planning.
Ace and Shadow got into a snarl fight over a bowl of soup just now. I had the damnedest time trying to separate them! My bellowing just doesn't have the intimidation factor that yours did, LOL.
I'm going to call Michael and TJ to let them know I'm back safely. Then I'll probably watch an episode of The Last Detective, the new mystery series that I've gotten into (mainly because it stars the guy who played Campion).
You would have enjoyed Gainesville. There are some beautiful old sections, including an art deco megaplex movie theater. I think it's actually an older theater, not just a new one designed in deco style. I was also admiring the art deco bar at Macaroni Grill while we had lunch. They make a mean tomato basil soup. I'll bet they make some mean drinks too, but I'm not in the mood to toast with anybody but my Love. Still, you would have loved that bar.
Arthur is a US citizen now. I attended the ceremony. Interesting, but drawn out. I was kind of disappointed, but at least it was something I'd never seen before.
I miss you, Sweets. Bernice does too, and I'm sure it'll be wonderful to have her as a guest again. She sends her love, no doubt.
Ich liebe Sie. Gutes schlafen, mein Mann!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Last day at Sis's
Liebe,
I hate having to leave...mostly. I absolutely adore the time I've spent with Sis. No wonder you and she were always so close! She is one of the awesomeist (is that a word?) people I know. I feel good around her. That's not to say that I don't have my down times when I'm with her too, but tonight's was mostly about me freaking out about being alone at home tomorrow, and last Sunday's was about waking up in the morning without you, which always sucks.
I wouldn't be going home this soon if not for the possibility of Pat being able to drop the car off this weekend. It's STILL not ready! Aaargh! I even would have endured Disney. But if the car isn't ready and then I have to wait around another week, I'll be very frustrated to say the least. At any rate, I invited Bernice to spend the weekend at Kathrinstadt because I was dreading being alone. Not enough to do (and no car) and too much time spent in numbness and despair. I need the company. I mean, NEED it. I don't know what I'll do when Bernice has to go back.
It goes without saying as always, but I miss you, Sweets. Please come to me in my dreams. I so yearn for dreams of you being okay wherever you are and stopping in to see me. I love you. Please find a way to reach out and comfort me.
PS: Sis found a ton of old photos of you. Everything from when you were a baby making the "fat face" (probably without trying!) to that first Thanksgiving you and I spent together eight years ago when the boys were little. You were always so adorable and beautiful to me. I know you would hate the childhood photos, but I think you were precious and I cherish them. I cherish you in any form, my Sweets. I love you so much!!!
I hate having to leave...mostly. I absolutely adore the time I've spent with Sis. No wonder you and she were always so close! She is one of the awesomeist (is that a word?) people I know. I feel good around her. That's not to say that I don't have my down times when I'm with her too, but tonight's was mostly about me freaking out about being alone at home tomorrow, and last Sunday's was about waking up in the morning without you, which always sucks.
I wouldn't be going home this soon if not for the possibility of Pat being able to drop the car off this weekend. It's STILL not ready! Aaargh! I even would have endured Disney. But if the car isn't ready and then I have to wait around another week, I'll be very frustrated to say the least. At any rate, I invited Bernice to spend the weekend at Kathrinstadt because I was dreading being alone. Not enough to do (and no car) and too much time spent in numbness and despair. I need the company. I mean, NEED it. I don't know what I'll do when Bernice has to go back.
It goes without saying as always, but I miss you, Sweets. Please come to me in my dreams. I so yearn for dreams of you being okay wherever you are and stopping in to see me. I love you. Please find a way to reach out and comfort me.
PS: Sis found a ton of old photos of you. Everything from when you were a baby making the "fat face" (probably without trying!) to that first Thanksgiving you and I spent together eight years ago when the boys were little. You were always so adorable and beautiful to me. I know you would hate the childhood photos, but I think you were precious and I cherish them. I cherish you in any form, my Sweets. I love you so much!!!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Just got back in
Mein Liebe,
I have new money candles. Remember our money candle? Unfortunately, I couldn't make it to Pier 1 tonight, but I bought some very similar scented candles from Target so that I can burn our money candle on behalf of you and Aeromarine.
Sis also took me to Barney's Coffee and we got coffee coolers. Brought back so many fond memories of all the times we got coffee coolers at the Barney's in Melbourne Square. I think that's one of the first things we ever did when I came down here originally.
I love being able to talk about you with Sis. It has been the highlight of the last few days.
I always have such a nice time shopping too, especially with her. Shopping (and being out in the world among people) allows me to remember that you are somewhere else, instead of being stuck at home feeling like you are merely gone.
I called Dr. Lunberry this afternoon. He thinks he still has the recording you made last year or whenever where you read about the history of Aeromarine. I would love to play that at your party. I hope he still has it!
I also called Mike Flynn from Everglades. He, like everyone else who knows and loves you, is just stunned. He promised to pass along a message from you (I said that it was a belated well wish from you) to all of your other professors from the aviation program. I felt bad calling him with the news. I told Sis that I don't like being the "Harbinger of Doom," but at least everybody seems to appreciate knowing. I just didn't want any surprises from people later on who haven't been told. I will have to call Kylee and the girls sometime soon and apologize for being a fair weather friend.
While we were at Target, Sis told me about a vintage aviation advertisement painting that she saw there last Christmas that she had wanted to get for you, but it wasn't within the budget at the time. She looked for it again tonight, but we didn't see it there. She also told me about a beautiful (and very pricey!) leather bomber jacket that she had found online that she had wanted to get for you this Christmas.
We share a lot of memories of you, and it always cheers us. I'm so unhappy when she's not here during the days, and time seems to drag. The same episodes of SVU are on TV that I just watched recently, and it's difficult to find something enjoyable to divert me while I wait for her.
May these comfortable times grow longer and more frequent. I know you wouldn't want me sitting around sad all the time. Perhaps one day in the not-too distant future I will be sitting in style sipping a margarita like you envisioned. I will toast to Aeromarine and to my Love, of course. "Prost!"
I adore you, my Sweets. I kissed your ring today, and while I'm sorry I didn't put it on your finger before you went under, I'm glad that it didn't get stuck to where they had to cut or damage it. I shall cherish it every day and always.
Love always,
Your adoring wife.
I have new money candles. Remember our money candle? Unfortunately, I couldn't make it to Pier 1 tonight, but I bought some very similar scented candles from Target so that I can burn our money candle on behalf of you and Aeromarine.
Sis also took me to Barney's Coffee and we got coffee coolers. Brought back so many fond memories of all the times we got coffee coolers at the Barney's in Melbourne Square. I think that's one of the first things we ever did when I came down here originally.
I love being able to talk about you with Sis. It has been the highlight of the last few days.
I always have such a nice time shopping too, especially with her. Shopping (and being out in the world among people) allows me to remember that you are somewhere else, instead of being stuck at home feeling like you are merely gone.
I called Dr. Lunberry this afternoon. He thinks he still has the recording you made last year or whenever where you read about the history of Aeromarine. I would love to play that at your party. I hope he still has it!
I also called Mike Flynn from Everglades. He, like everyone else who knows and loves you, is just stunned. He promised to pass along a message from you (I said that it was a belated well wish from you) to all of your other professors from the aviation program. I felt bad calling him with the news. I told Sis that I don't like being the "Harbinger of Doom," but at least everybody seems to appreciate knowing. I just didn't want any surprises from people later on who haven't been told. I will have to call Kylee and the girls sometime soon and apologize for being a fair weather friend.
While we were at Target, Sis told me about a vintage aviation advertisement painting that she saw there last Christmas that she had wanted to get for you, but it wasn't within the budget at the time. She looked for it again tonight, but we didn't see it there. She also told me about a beautiful (and very pricey!) leather bomber jacket that she had found online that she had wanted to get for you this Christmas.
We share a lot of memories of you, and it always cheers us. I'm so unhappy when she's not here during the days, and time seems to drag. The same episodes of SVU are on TV that I just watched recently, and it's difficult to find something enjoyable to divert me while I wait for her.
May these comfortable times grow longer and more frequent. I know you wouldn't want me sitting around sad all the time. Perhaps one day in the not-too distant future I will be sitting in style sipping a margarita like you envisioned. I will toast to Aeromarine and to my Love, of course. "Prost!"
I adore you, my Sweets. I kissed your ring today, and while I'm sorry I didn't put it on your finger before you went under, I'm glad that it didn't get stuck to where they had to cut or damage it. I shall cherish it every day and always.
Love always,
Your adoring wife.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Sexy pants!
My Love,
I bought a new outfit. It's a bit too dark and businesslike for your party, but it'll look gorgeous when I'm out networking for Aeromarine (provided I do so in the fall and winter). I was in TJ Maxx this afternoon and saw these beautiful brown pinstripe trousers. You know...the kind that remind you of those women in the 1930s like Amelia Earhart and Marlene Dietrich who wore somewhat masculine clothes. You know...the kind that you love. I had to buy them right there, because I imagined you standing beside me (maybe you were, and that was what inspired me?) grinning ear to ear because you thought those pants would look so sexy on me. And you know what? They do. So they're mine now and I hope you will admire me and oogle my bottom in them just like you always did. Just forgive me for getting a bit skinnier on you lately. ;)
Sexy pants! All for mein Liebe.
PS: I also bought a formfitting brown sweater with ruffles. You'd be all over that too! *wink*
I bought a new outfit. It's a bit too dark and businesslike for your party, but it'll look gorgeous when I'm out networking for Aeromarine (provided I do so in the fall and winter). I was in TJ Maxx this afternoon and saw these beautiful brown pinstripe trousers. You know...the kind that remind you of those women in the 1930s like Amelia Earhart and Marlene Dietrich who wore somewhat masculine clothes. You know...the kind that you love. I had to buy them right there, because I imagined you standing beside me (maybe you were, and that was what inspired me?) grinning ear to ear because you thought those pants would look so sexy on me. And you know what? They do. So they're mine now and I hope you will admire me and oogle my bottom in them just like you always did. Just forgive me for getting a bit skinnier on you lately. ;)
Sexy pants! All for mein Liebe.
PS: I also bought a formfitting brown sweater with ruffles. You'd be all over that too! *wink*
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Tonight
Rough evening. Not sure I want to talk about it. Michael consoled me over the phone after I had a panic attack. I hope that dreams of you, my dearest, can console me tonight.
What will carry me through when I wake up, though? If only something can give me the hope and peace I need to get through those couple of hours after waking up.
I love your brown sweater. I just miss you being in it.
Off to read until my eyes get too sleepy...
Ich liebe Sie.
What will carry me through when I wake up, though? If only something can give me the hope and peace I need to get through those couple of hours after waking up.
I love your brown sweater. I just miss you being in it.
Off to read until my eyes get too sleepy...
Ich liebe Sie.
Nice day at the mall
Sweetness,
Went to the mall for a few hours with Sis. We had quite a nice time.
We talked about you quite a bit...very scandalous stuff. ;) (Just kidding)
I checked out the Hallmark aircraft (Cessna 310) and motorcycle (2008 Harley Davidson Softtail) ornaments. I was tempted to buy both but think I'll wait a little while. I did buy a 2010 classic aircraft calendar for the office. There were several but I picked the one with all prop planes, of course. I also got Michael and TJ a Florida calender as a thank you for their visit and help this past week.
Sis bought me an air freshener for the house from Bath & Body works since I was admiring hers, plus an organizer for the desk so I can try to get all my junk off the kitchen table. She also bought Mike a novel about King Tut for his birthday.
I missed having you there at the bookstore and mall, but at least I had someone with similar appreciations and similar tastes. Quite a nice afternoon, Liebe. Wish you'd been there!
*blows a kiss to your photo*
Went to the mall for a few hours with Sis. We had quite a nice time.
We talked about you quite a bit...very scandalous stuff. ;) (Just kidding)
I checked out the Hallmark aircraft (Cessna 310) and motorcycle (2008 Harley Davidson Softtail) ornaments. I was tempted to buy both but think I'll wait a little while. I did buy a 2010 classic aircraft calendar for the office. There were several but I picked the one with all prop planes, of course. I also got Michael and TJ a Florida calender as a thank you for their visit and help this past week.
Sis bought me an air freshener for the house from Bath & Body works since I was admiring hers, plus an organizer for the desk so I can try to get all my junk off the kitchen table. She also bought Mike a novel about King Tut for his birthday.
I missed having you there at the bookstore and mall, but at least I had someone with similar appreciations and similar tastes. Quite a nice afternoon, Liebe. Wish you'd been there!
*blows a kiss to your photo*
My jeans
Sweets,
You know my "sexy jeans" that you love so much on me? They're so huge now! I don't know how much weight I've lost, but it has to be substantial. Not exactly how I wanted to lose it, though, lol.
I hope you're still able to see me in them. I know they were your favorites. :)
You know my "sexy jeans" that you love so much on me? They're so huge now! I don't know how much weight I've lost, but it has to be substantial. Not exactly how I wanted to lose it, though, lol.
I hope you're still able to see me in them. I know they were your favorites. :)
Mornings
Sweets,
The mornings seem to be one of the toughest times of the day for me. I can't stand the lonely feeling I get when I wake up. Even here, it was pretty bad. I'm not trying to downplay Sis's grief for you, but she still has her husband (and children, and direction). Same with my friend Mike losing his grandfather: he still has TJ, his soul mate. I don't mean to sound unfair to them, but I still feel like I've had the biggest loss of all. So much of me is you that I feel like my very identity is shattered sometimes.
No nightmares since last Wednesday morning, thankfully. I haven't remembered my dreams since then, but I don't think they were bad. It's just waking up fully to reality that makes it so difficult to begin the day.
I wish that we had gotten Aeromarine fully up and prospering before this happened, or that I had found a "day job" that was truly fulfilling that I could invest my time and attention in. I don't know whether to look forward to the prospect of the dispatcher job or not. It's not something that I would find fulfilling at all without you. I applied for it for the benefit of the both of us, and having you to come home to would have made any job worth it. I don't want a job like that to be the definition of my existence now. It'll probably be a few years before I can decide where best to go with Aeromarine beyond where it is now (based on the few ideas we discussed before you went into the hospital). I need to be extra careful with our resources and I need the time to see where thew economy and society are going to go before I can determine which is the best course to take with the company. So in the meantime? I don't know. I just hope you can trust me with all that I've been left with, and trust that my decisions are best for both the company and for me.
I just wish I could get this tightness out of my chest and the despair and loneliness out of my thoughts. I do okay sometimes, like last night. I wouldn't trade our lives together for anything, but I wish they had included a fulfilling job for me as well. That might help carry me through this and give me a more immediate sense of purpose.
But yes, I hate the mornings. And I hate all of the other times of day when I feel so empty and alone. It's like panic without the urgency.
I am going to see a grief counselor whenever I can get in touch with one. And I will try to find a support group...hopefully for people similar in age who have lost their spouses/partners. I may have to look for online groups. I don't know how much there is locally for me.
If I don't get the dispatcher job, I am going to try to drive up and stay with Mike and TJ for a little while.
I will probably be doing a lot of visiting from now on. Our local friends, and whoever will welcome me.
I hoped that writing would help ease this feeling inside me. Maybe I will feel better in a little while. There are so many ups and downs. If I could have more ups and downs, that will be progress. But sometimes I don't feel like anything can cheer me up. I wish I felt as good as I did last night. It was the damn morning that did it for me. I could always wake up without you just fine knowing that I would see you soon. What now?
I feel like Sis may be able to get past this. I don't know if I can. Please, Love...if there's any way you can give me the strength and hope, I desperately need it.
I will write to you again when I'm feeling better. I may call Mike and TJ. I don 't want to bother Sis since she seems to be coping and since she's busy with school work. I miss you so much, Sweets. I hope there's some way you can see me, and that it's not much different than when we were separated geographically. I love you.
Let me feel better soon. Please.
The mornings seem to be one of the toughest times of the day for me. I can't stand the lonely feeling I get when I wake up. Even here, it was pretty bad. I'm not trying to downplay Sis's grief for you, but she still has her husband (and children, and direction). Same with my friend Mike losing his grandfather: he still has TJ, his soul mate. I don't mean to sound unfair to them, but I still feel like I've had the biggest loss of all. So much of me is you that I feel like my very identity is shattered sometimes.
No nightmares since last Wednesday morning, thankfully. I haven't remembered my dreams since then, but I don't think they were bad. It's just waking up fully to reality that makes it so difficult to begin the day.
I wish that we had gotten Aeromarine fully up and prospering before this happened, or that I had found a "day job" that was truly fulfilling that I could invest my time and attention in. I don't know whether to look forward to the prospect of the dispatcher job or not. It's not something that I would find fulfilling at all without you. I applied for it for the benefit of the both of us, and having you to come home to would have made any job worth it. I don't want a job like that to be the definition of my existence now. It'll probably be a few years before I can decide where best to go with Aeromarine beyond where it is now (based on the few ideas we discussed before you went into the hospital). I need to be extra careful with our resources and I need the time to see where thew economy and society are going to go before I can determine which is the best course to take with the company. So in the meantime? I don't know. I just hope you can trust me with all that I've been left with, and trust that my decisions are best for both the company and for me.
I just wish I could get this tightness out of my chest and the despair and loneliness out of my thoughts. I do okay sometimes, like last night. I wouldn't trade our lives together for anything, but I wish they had included a fulfilling job for me as well. That might help carry me through this and give me a more immediate sense of purpose.
But yes, I hate the mornings. And I hate all of the other times of day when I feel so empty and alone. It's like panic without the urgency.
I am going to see a grief counselor whenever I can get in touch with one. And I will try to find a support group...hopefully for people similar in age who have lost their spouses/partners. I may have to look for online groups. I don't know how much there is locally for me.
If I don't get the dispatcher job, I am going to try to drive up and stay with Mike and TJ for a little while.
I will probably be doing a lot of visiting from now on. Our local friends, and whoever will welcome me.
I hoped that writing would help ease this feeling inside me. Maybe I will feel better in a little while. There are so many ups and downs. If I could have more ups and downs, that will be progress. But sometimes I don't feel like anything can cheer me up. I wish I felt as good as I did last night. It was the damn morning that did it for me. I could always wake up without you just fine knowing that I would see you soon. What now?
I feel like Sis may be able to get past this. I don't know if I can. Please, Love...if there's any way you can give me the strength and hope, I desperately need it.
I will write to you again when I'm feeling better. I may call Mike and TJ. I don 't want to bother Sis since she seems to be coping and since she's busy with school work. I miss you so much, Sweets. I hope there's some way you can see me, and that it's not much different than when we were separated geographically. I love you.
Let me feel better soon. Please.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
*wipes tears*
I had a nice evening, actually. As nice as it could be. I think coming here was just what I needed right now. I could not handle these thoughts at Kathrinstadt. New surroundings soothe me. I feel your absence in my thoughts, but at least not in these walls. When I do return home, I pray to feel your presence instead. May the life and happiness you brought to our home welcome me back with the familiar sights of all we hold dear.
I will try to make my next posts more positive and focus on the nice time I'm having.
With that in mind, I found what are probably my favorite photos of you (that I had never seen before). We were at Sis and Arthur's wedding, enjoying drinks at the table. In the first shot, you have your arm around me as you toast, and I am just beaming. In the second, we are kissing. I swear, Love...nobody could kiss like you and me.
I want HUGE copies of both photos. You are so beautiful in them. You have always been so beautiful to me. I love you!
I will try to make my next posts more positive and focus on the nice time I'm having.
With that in mind, I found what are probably my favorite photos of you (that I had never seen before). We were at Sis and Arthur's wedding, enjoying drinks at the table. In the first shot, you have your arm around me as you toast, and I am just beaming. In the second, we are kissing. I swear, Love...nobody could kiss like you and me.
I want HUGE copies of both photos. You are so beautiful in them. You have always been so beautiful to me. I love you!
I'm so sorry
Liebe,
I have to tell you something again that I'm sure I told you while you were under sedation. I hope you heard it then, and I hope you can still hear it somehow. Moreover, I hope you understood when it happened. But it's been torturing me ever since they had to put you on the ventilator and especially since that was the last time you and I talked.
I wasn't feeling well that night in the hospital room. I had a terrible migraine, made worse by the mask, and I hadn't eaten. The room was terribly warm. You suggested that I ask the nurses to bring me something. Sweetheart, I should have listened to you. I should never have left the room for even a moment that night. You see, I had no idea that it would be the last time we would ever be able to talk to each other.
I'm sorry that I left, and I'm sorry that I spent that hour away from your room. I was hoping my headache would go away. When I came back, I found you struggling. You couldn't breathe and were frantic. You had me ask the nurses to give you something to calm you down so that you could sleep. When it didn't work, they had to put you on the ventilator. I asked you if that was okay and explained that it was the only way to help you breathe at that point. You said it was. Love, I didn't know that would be the last time we talked or that you would be awake with me. Even so, I should never have left the room at all.
I hate even remembering what came after. My heart broke to hear you struggle when they put you on the ventilator. I'm sure I told you how much I loved you before they made me step outside. I promised I would be right out there. Please, Love, tell me that you understood how much I loved you when I said it. Tell me that it helped carry you through. Please tell me that my words of love were never far from your mind no matter how afraid and in pain you were. I can't bear it otherwise. It tortures me. I hate myself for leaving the room for such a silly and selfish reason. You deserved so much better from me. Can you forgive me??? I should have put you first no matter what. I hate myself for it. I want that hour back. If I can't have you back, then I want that time back and I want to have made more of it. I want to go back and do so much over. You know that. You would have been better to me than I was to you. Just please forgive me. I need you to know how sorry I am. I need you to know how much I loved you right then and how much I love you now and every day.
I feel like it should have been me. But that would mean that you would have suffered as I do. I wouldn't wish that on you. You wouldn't want this to happen to me. But I can't help but wish that we could have gone together. I wish that it could have taken me too so that, whatever journey you've made, I could have been right there beside you in the same way. I always understood that you might go first (even though I asked God so many times to make it me), but I never imagined that it would be so soon or that I would have to face my whole life without you here on earth beside me. I thought we would be old and that I wouldn't have long to wait before I found you again. Didn't you? It's just all too cruel. I hope that, wherever you are, you have gained some insights that one day I might share too.
But please, forgive me for leaving you for that hour and for all the other ways I fell short. That goes not just for your illness, but all the times before as well. I am so sorry, Sweets.
Please, give me some sign that you understand and forgive me. Even just a sense of peace in my heart. But preferably something more. I would give anything for a sign of you.
I love you. You are still absolutely everything to me.
Remember my kiss.
I have to tell you something again that I'm sure I told you while you were under sedation. I hope you heard it then, and I hope you can still hear it somehow. Moreover, I hope you understood when it happened. But it's been torturing me ever since they had to put you on the ventilator and especially since that was the last time you and I talked.
I wasn't feeling well that night in the hospital room. I had a terrible migraine, made worse by the mask, and I hadn't eaten. The room was terribly warm. You suggested that I ask the nurses to bring me something. Sweetheart, I should have listened to you. I should never have left the room for even a moment that night. You see, I had no idea that it would be the last time we would ever be able to talk to each other.
I'm sorry that I left, and I'm sorry that I spent that hour away from your room. I was hoping my headache would go away. When I came back, I found you struggling. You couldn't breathe and were frantic. You had me ask the nurses to give you something to calm you down so that you could sleep. When it didn't work, they had to put you on the ventilator. I asked you if that was okay and explained that it was the only way to help you breathe at that point. You said it was. Love, I didn't know that would be the last time we talked or that you would be awake with me. Even so, I should never have left the room at all.
I hate even remembering what came after. My heart broke to hear you struggle when they put you on the ventilator. I'm sure I told you how much I loved you before they made me step outside. I promised I would be right out there. Please, Love, tell me that you understood how much I loved you when I said it. Tell me that it helped carry you through. Please tell me that my words of love were never far from your mind no matter how afraid and in pain you were. I can't bear it otherwise. It tortures me. I hate myself for leaving the room for such a silly and selfish reason. You deserved so much better from me. Can you forgive me??? I should have put you first no matter what. I hate myself for it. I want that hour back. If I can't have you back, then I want that time back and I want to have made more of it. I want to go back and do so much over. You know that. You would have been better to me than I was to you. Just please forgive me. I need you to know how sorry I am. I need you to know how much I loved you right then and how much I love you now and every day.
I feel like it should have been me. But that would mean that you would have suffered as I do. I wouldn't wish that on you. You wouldn't want this to happen to me. But I can't help but wish that we could have gone together. I wish that it could have taken me too so that, whatever journey you've made, I could have been right there beside you in the same way. I always understood that you might go first (even though I asked God so many times to make it me), but I never imagined that it would be so soon or that I would have to face my whole life without you here on earth beside me. I thought we would be old and that I wouldn't have long to wait before I found you again. Didn't you? It's just all too cruel. I hope that, wherever you are, you have gained some insights that one day I might share too.
But please, forgive me for leaving you for that hour and for all the other ways I fell short. That goes not just for your illness, but all the times before as well. I am so sorry, Sweets.
Please, give me some sign that you understand and forgive me. Even just a sense of peace in my heart. But preferably something more. I would give anything for a sign of you.
I love you. You are still absolutely everything to me.
Remember my kiss.
This blog is for us
Sweetheart,
My first post to you. I hope that there is some way that you can see or know what I'm saying to you. I'm using a blog because I just tend to cry when I talk out loud to you, and I don't like the hollow sound of my voice or the silence that follows. This method at least reminds me of all those times back in college when we were apart when I used to email you.
This will also be where I post all my thoughts, feelings, and ideas as they come. They may be random and incoherent at times, but I can promise you that they will be honest.
I am at Sis and Arthur's apartment in Gainesville right now. I will be here until this coming Thursday. Pat and Jeanette will be bringing me my new car this coming weekend, or I might stay longer. I wasn't really in the mood to tag along to Disney anyway (could be fun, but you know how I feel about the "D" word). I may come back and stay with them again at a later date if I feel like it.
I really like the homey atmosphere here. I wasn't sure what it will be like, but it is pleasant so far and helps to distract me from the terrible feelings that plague me otherwise. I am even able to type without crying (almost, at least) while I am here. As much as I love Kathrinstadt, it is too lonely for me right now, especially after Mike and TJ left yesterday.
It's nice to hear the sounds of a happy household in the background, and I still have some privacy here in Alex's room. I am sleeping in Gregory's bunk, complete with Transformers sheets! Pretty funny. They have a very nice apartment with a pleasant layout. I have privacy without feeling isolated, which seems to be what I need right now.
I brought a bunch of stuff from home for the next few days. Well, not that much actually. Mostly toiletries and clothing. But I did bring the TootsieToy DC-3 that you bought me, and I had to bring the picture that I keep at my side of the bed (the one of us at Chili's at the Orlando airport from 2001, our first trip together). I also brought your brown turtleneck sweater, which I have been sleeping with since you passed. It is so difficult to type that word. I'm sorry, Love. I do miss you so terribly. Too much for words.
Anyway, back to this post. I was doing well holding back the leaky seals. Now I am typing with double-vision.
Not sure what I will be doing tomorrow or after that while I'm here. We'll see. Sandy has befriended me and follows me everywhere wanting to play fetch with her many toys or climb up and drool on my lap. Typical golden! She is a sweet dog and it's nice to have a friendly hound around. Dad is taking care of ours at Kathrinstadt and I can only hope that he will have an okay time of it. Eddie tried to dismantle his dog house today. Dad will have to repair it as best he can before I take Eddie home to Mike and Sean. I hope our big baby dog doesn't give Dad too rough a time or I will hear about it (from Dad)!
I hope that Monday doesn't prove too difficult for me with Sis at school all day and evening. I will probably spend a lot of time online. I put eBay on vacation settings until this coming weekend. I have Ghoststudy and this blog too. I talked with Kristin from Ghoststudy on the phone last night. She is so sweet and wonderful to talk to. Very understanding and empathetic. Our friends have been lifesavers throughout this.
I will log off for now. You will see me on here later, no doubt. Until then, keep yourself for me wherever you are. I miss you Sweets and love you always. *Blows you a kiss* "Ich liebe Sie am meisten!"
My first post to you. I hope that there is some way that you can see or know what I'm saying to you. I'm using a blog because I just tend to cry when I talk out loud to you, and I don't like the hollow sound of my voice or the silence that follows. This method at least reminds me of all those times back in college when we were apart when I used to email you.
This will also be where I post all my thoughts, feelings, and ideas as they come. They may be random and incoherent at times, but I can promise you that they will be honest.
I am at Sis and Arthur's apartment in Gainesville right now. I will be here until this coming Thursday. Pat and Jeanette will be bringing me my new car this coming weekend, or I might stay longer. I wasn't really in the mood to tag along to Disney anyway (could be fun, but you know how I feel about the "D" word). I may come back and stay with them again at a later date if I feel like it.
I really like the homey atmosphere here. I wasn't sure what it will be like, but it is pleasant so far and helps to distract me from the terrible feelings that plague me otherwise. I am even able to type without crying (almost, at least) while I am here. As much as I love Kathrinstadt, it is too lonely for me right now, especially after Mike and TJ left yesterday.
It's nice to hear the sounds of a happy household in the background, and I still have some privacy here in Alex's room. I am sleeping in Gregory's bunk, complete with Transformers sheets! Pretty funny. They have a very nice apartment with a pleasant layout. I have privacy without feeling isolated, which seems to be what I need right now.
I brought a bunch of stuff from home for the next few days. Well, not that much actually. Mostly toiletries and clothing. But I did bring the TootsieToy DC-3 that you bought me, and I had to bring the picture that I keep at my side of the bed (the one of us at Chili's at the Orlando airport from 2001, our first trip together). I also brought your brown turtleneck sweater, which I have been sleeping with since you passed. It is so difficult to type that word. I'm sorry, Love. I do miss you so terribly. Too much for words.
Anyway, back to this post. I was doing well holding back the leaky seals. Now I am typing with double-vision.
Not sure what I will be doing tomorrow or after that while I'm here. We'll see. Sandy has befriended me and follows me everywhere wanting to play fetch with her many toys or climb up and drool on my lap. Typical golden! She is a sweet dog and it's nice to have a friendly hound around. Dad is taking care of ours at Kathrinstadt and I can only hope that he will have an okay time of it. Eddie tried to dismantle his dog house today. Dad will have to repair it as best he can before I take Eddie home to Mike and Sean. I hope our big baby dog doesn't give Dad too rough a time or I will hear about it (from Dad)!
I hope that Monday doesn't prove too difficult for me with Sis at school all day and evening. I will probably spend a lot of time online. I put eBay on vacation settings until this coming weekend. I have Ghoststudy and this blog too. I talked with Kristin from Ghoststudy on the phone last night. She is so sweet and wonderful to talk to. Very understanding and empathetic. Our friends have been lifesavers throughout this.
I will log off for now. You will see me on here later, no doubt. Until then, keep yourself for me wherever you are. I miss you Sweets and love you always. *Blows you a kiss* "Ich liebe Sie am meisten!"
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