I'm so sorry

Liebe,

I have to tell you something again that I'm sure I told you while you were under sedation. I hope you heard it then, and I hope you can still hear it somehow. Moreover, I hope you understood when it happened. But it's been torturing me ever since they had to put you on the ventilator and especially since that was the last time you and I talked.

I wasn't feeling well that night in the hospital room. I had a terrible migraine, made worse by the mask, and I hadn't eaten. The room was terribly warm. You suggested that I ask the nurses to bring me something. Sweetheart, I should have listened to you. I should never have left the room for even a moment that night. You see, I had no idea that it would be the last time we would ever be able to talk to each other.

I'm sorry that I left, and I'm sorry that I spent that hour away from your room. I was hoping my headache would go away. When I came back, I found you struggling. You couldn't breathe and were frantic. You had me ask the nurses to give you something to calm you down so that you could sleep. When it didn't work, they had to put you on the ventilator. I asked you if that was okay and explained that it was the only way to help you breathe at that point. You said it was. Love, I didn't know that would be the last time we talked or that you would be awake with me. Even so, I should never have left the room at all.

I hate even remembering what came after. My heart broke to hear you struggle when they put you on the ventilator. I'm sure I told you how much I loved you before they made me step outside. I promised I would be right out there. Please, Love, tell me that you understood how much I loved you when I said it. Tell me that it helped carry you through. Please tell me that my words of love were never far from your mind no matter how afraid and in pain you were. I can't bear it otherwise. It tortures me. I hate myself for leaving the room for such a silly and selfish reason. You deserved so much better from me. Can you forgive me??? I should have put you first no matter what. I hate myself for it. I want that hour back. If I can't have you back, then I want that time back and I want to have made more of it. I want to go back and do so much over. You know that. You would have been better to me than I was to you. Just please forgive me. I need you to know how sorry I am. I need you to know how much I loved you right then and how much I love you now and every day.

I feel like it should have been me. But that would mean that you would have suffered as I do. I wouldn't wish that on you. You wouldn't want this to happen to me. But I can't help but wish that we could have gone together. I wish that it could have taken me too so that, whatever journey you've made, I could have been right there beside you in the same way. I always understood that you might go first (even though I asked God so many times to make it me), but I never imagined that it would be so soon or that I would have to face my whole life without you here on earth beside me. I thought we would be old and that I wouldn't have long to wait before I found you again. Didn't you? It's just all too cruel. I hope that, wherever you are, you have gained some insights that one day I might share too.

But please, forgive me for leaving you for that hour and for all the other ways I fell short. That goes not just for your illness, but all the times before as well. I am so sorry, Sweets.

Please, give me some sign that you understand and forgive me. Even just a sense of peace in my heart. But preferably something more. I would give anything for a sign of you.

I love you. You are still absolutely everything to me.

Remember my kiss.