Ups and downs

Mein Liebe,

Today I went to the Deland Airport and met with David. I also met someone named Wes who said he knew you as well. From there, I went to the Perfect Spot, sat at our usual window table, and had a sweet tea. My bag sat where you would have sat. It was not as painful there as I imagined, but the loneliness is with me always.

I can't sleep but four or five hours a night any more. I also can't sleep past 8:30 or 9:30 anymore no matter how late I stay up. I'm not sure why my body is doing this. I wake up with my heart pounding and anxiety running through me. Today was not as bad, but yesterday was hell.

I'm not meant to be without you. Why did this have to happen???

I miss you, Liebe. I am not a person without you. Why, why, why?

That awful dream the other night. I saw you, and we reached out to embrace each other, and then I woke up and saw your empty pillow.

It is so cruel.

And yet I know you want me to carry on. I even know that you want me to be happy.

Will I be happy, Sweets? I want to be. But the last nine years have been all about you, and you are such an intrinsic part of my identity that I wonder if I will ever feel truly alive, truly inspired, and truly happy ever again.

Was that you coming to me in a dream the other night? Or was it just my mind creating images. Either way, I longed to hold you. I want to dream about holding you, kissing you, loving you, feeling your warmth and your vitality, and to wake up sure that you are out there and that you reached out and found me again in the dream.

Please be there. Please come to me, in a dream...and preferably in reality. I would give anything in the universe to see you just one more time, for real, before we have to move on.

You are so beloved. By me and by everyone who knows you.

I hate that you're gone.

I need you.

I don't want to sink. Inspire me, Love. Please help to resurrect my happiness and will to live. Please be my angel and guide. Please be there for me always, no matter where we each may physically be.

I love you.

May we both be happy.