Terrible sometimes

Dear Liebe, I'm not sure I've felt quite this bad yet. I'm sure I have, but I just feel so hopeless. Will I ever have anything that makes me truly happy ever again? Will I ever get out of bed again, each day genuinely looking forward to something? Will life ever feel like life again?

All I want is to be with you, wherever you are. I pray to our God that it won't have to be too long before I can be with you again, and if it must, to give me something that makes me truly happy in the meantime.

The wrong one of us died, Love, I'm sure of that. I know that it would be just as hard for you to stay strong, but you WERE Aeromarine and every other one of our dreams. You didn't need me to make them work, only to provide assistance and inspiration. Plus, you would have the boys, and they would have needed you. And you know I would have been right there with you still, in whatever way I could. No, the far more valuable of the two of us is gone. I don't undersand why that is.

If there's a reason and purpose for me to still be there, I pray that it will become clear to me and that I don't have to wait oto long to get some glimpse or idea of it. I also pray, perhaps harder than anything (because I just can't bear the pain sometimes) that God give me something to restore happiness and meaning to my life.

Will te hurt ever abate? How long must I ache like this? I don't want to be here...I want to be with you. I want to go.

But it seems that I have no other choice but to stay. May God help me make that stay worthwhile and fulfilling again. Please God, bless me with happiness again.

And please, Love, if you can, reach out to me somehow so that I can wake up feeling your love and inspiration in my heart and soul, and move on the way you want me to. You believe in my strength and potential. Please, may I come to believe in it as well.

I love you, Dearest Heart.

And I will find a way to do good by you. Somehow. Just be with me in whatever way you can.