Miss you so much!

Dearest Sweetheart, I miss you so much. If I only knew for absolutely certain that you were out there waiting for me and watching over me, I think I could go on and be happy.

I am okay sometimes. I wish I was okay all the time.

I know you'd want me to be happy. You always talked about me living the high life as a widow and told me that I'd be lucky and be able to realize my dreams. Did you really mean that? Did you really believe that? How could you think that I'd be happy without you beside me? Did you say that to convince yourself that I'd be okay? I know you'd want me to be okay. I know it. But don't you know how much I love you? I feel like nothing will be okay ever again.

Nobody is here to hold me right now. I wouldn't want anyone but you holding me as I cry...and if I had you, there would be no need to cry.

I should never have cried for any other reason. Everything is trivial in comparison to not having you. To have you back would render everything else inconsequential. I told God while you were sick that I really believed we would make it and that everything would be okay for us as long as you survived.

If only I had something to convince me deep in my mind and heart that you are indeed still out there. I remember the time when I had unwavering faith in a life beyond this one. Now the doubts creep in sometimes, and that is the worst feeling in the world. Of course, it works both ways. What I wouldn't give to know for certain that you are there. Damn the doubts! Damn those who helped encourage them to grow. Damn this whole mess. There are times when I really believe that you're up there. And then there are times when I am scared to death that you're not. Please be there, my Love. Please, please, PLEASE be there.

I need you.

I need you and only you.

I wish it could have been me too. I know you wouldn't want that, but why must I be forced to carry on without you? This is hell, Love.

Why did you have to be taken?

Oh God, Sweetheart. I miss you so much that it's ripped me apart.

I ask that God bring me some unmistakable sign that you're still there. Sometimes I don't know if I can keep going. I hate these dark times. Please come to me somehow...please come back and comfort me. Even if it's only once. Just so I can feel your presence and be reassured that you're okay. Maybe then I can be okay.

May I dream comforting dreams. May I dream comforting thoughts. May I feel hopeful about the future. May I feel reassured that you're all right and that you will wait for me and keep yourself for me always.

I love you.

May that love inspire me instead of break my heart. May that love plant the seed for hope and happiness.

I love you more than anything. You are my treasure, my soul, and the best part of my existence. I will love you for eternity.

If you can reach me, please be my angel always.