Mornings

Sweets,

The mornings seem to be one of the toughest times of the day for me. I can't stand the lonely feeling I get when I wake up. Even here, it was pretty bad. I'm not trying to downplay Sis's grief for you, but she still has her husband (and children, and direction). Same with my friend Mike losing his grandfather: he still has TJ, his soul mate. I don't mean to sound unfair to them, but I still feel like I've had the biggest loss of all. So much of me is you that I feel like my very identity is shattered sometimes.

No nightmares since last Wednesday morning, thankfully. I haven't remembered my dreams since then, but I don't think they were bad. It's just waking up fully to reality that makes it so difficult to begin the day.

I wish that we had gotten Aeromarine fully up and prospering before this happened, or that I had found a "day job" that was truly fulfilling that I could invest my time and attention in. I don't know whether to look forward to the prospect of the dispatcher job or not. It's not something that I would find fulfilling at all without you. I applied for it for the benefit of the both of us, and having you to come home to would have made any job worth it. I don't want a job like that to be the definition of my existence now. It'll probably be a few years before I can decide where best to go with Aeromarine beyond where it is now (based on the few ideas we discussed before you went into the hospital). I need to be extra careful with our resources and I need the time to see where thew economy and society are going to go before I can determine which is the best course to take with the company. So in the meantime? I don't know. I just hope you can trust me with all that I've been left with, and trust that my decisions are best for both the company and for me.

I just wish I could get this tightness out of my chest and the despair and loneliness out of my thoughts. I do okay sometimes, like last night. I wouldn't trade our lives together for anything, but I wish they had included a fulfilling job for me as well. That might help carry me through this and give me a more immediate sense of purpose.

But yes, I hate the mornings. And I hate all of the other times of day when I feel so empty and alone. It's like panic without the urgency.

I am going to see a grief counselor whenever I can get in touch with one. And I will try to find a support group...hopefully for people similar in age who have lost their spouses/partners. I may have to look for online groups. I don't know how much there is locally for me.

If I don't get the dispatcher job, I am going to try to drive up and stay with Mike and TJ for a little while.

I will probably be doing a lot of visiting from now on. Our local friends, and whoever will welcome me.

I hoped that writing would help ease this feeling inside me. Maybe I will feel better in a little while. There are so many ups and downs. If I could have more ups and downs, that will be progress. But sometimes I don't feel like anything can cheer me up. I wish I felt as good as I did last night. It was the damn morning that did it for me. I could always wake up without you just fine knowing that I would see you soon. What now?

I feel like Sis may be able to get past this. I don't know if I can. Please, Love...if there's any way you can give me the strength and hope, I desperately need it.

I will write to you again when I'm feeling better. I may call Mike and TJ. I don 't want to bother Sis since she seems to be coping and since she's busy with school work. I miss you so much, Sweets. I hope there's some way you can see me, and that it's not much different than when we were separated geographically. I love you.

Let me feel better soon. Please.