Happy Thanksgiving, Sweetest!

Thanksgiving at Mom & Dads. I had a really nice time, especially since I had expected sadness and awkwardness. Mom was in good spirits, and we sat and looked at photos of you. She is going to try to locate some of hers as well. She also allowed me to borrow "Maman's Dream" so that I could provide genealogical information for Michael's family tree work (intended as a tribute to you). Dad was doing well too, and it was a pleasure to see Sis, Arthur and the kids. But, of course, your absence was felt throughout the meal. You missed a great feast...including pumpkin-apple pie.

Yesterday, in the store, I came across a new beer called Jack's Pumpkin Spice! Sis got such a kick out of that. I would have bought some, had I someone to share it with.

I miss you terribly, Dearest. Last night's dream was a comfort while it lasted, and I only wish that it hadn't ended the way it did. Next time, let's part company with smiles, kisses, and the promise that we will see each other again very soon.

Ich liebe Sie, my Love!

My Love...

Six weeks.

I miss you terribly. Right now there is such a crushing hole inside me. Many days, it is difficult to grasp the hope I held onto at first. Is it still there? Please help me find it and be able to hold onto it for good.

I pray every night for you to be able to reach out to me, so that I can feel your presence and know in my heart that it's really you. And last night I dreamed about you. You were sitting up in bed. You looked well, not sick at all, and you were smiling and talking with me. You were reminiscing about the night we brought you to the hospital and how high your fever was. You were talking about it in the way you always had of making light of things that were once of concern but that you have now moved beyond and no longer need to worry about.

Was that really you with me? Or just a dream in the pure sense? Different people would argue that it was one or the other. I wish I knew whether or not it was really you.

I remember those dreams I used to have about my mom, where we both acknowledged that she was dead, but she was able to talk anyway and we thought it was no big deal. People told me that this was her way of making contact with me and visiting me. Could this be yours?

Please, come back to me in more dreams. Let us spend more loving time together, so that maybe I can wake up reassured and peaceful. Sleep is becoming more peaceful to me. I wish that waking could be the same.

My prayers remain just as strong, and I reiterate them every day. Please, let my Love reach out to me. Let me feel his presence around me. Let him make himself known to me in an unmistakable way, so that I can know in my soul that he is still with me, watching over me and loving me as much as always. I am selfish, Liebe, and need you here with me. As much as you can be. Please.

I love you, Dearest Heart. Be with me always.

Thinking of you

Sometimes, Sweets, the feeling of missing you comes at me like a freight train.

I wish I could stop thinking about that first day when I was calling out your name in despair, because it makes me weep for you as if it were that day all over again.

I go to sleep at peace, thinking of you watching over me. I wake up in agony and anxiety, thinking of you gone. Why can't I wake up the same way I go to sleep? I pray that day will come.

Every night, and several times throughout the day, I pray specifically that certain messages can be sent to you. I wonder if you get them. I hope that you have a more direct way of seeing and hearing me. That would mean that my prayers were answered. Actually, knowing that you could still see and hear me would mean that my prayers were answered.

I wish I were where you are. Will you wait for me? Please wait for me. Then, we can decide where to go once we're together again.

I love you.

Please let me feel that you're watching over me. And let that carry me through the day in peace and comfort.

I love you, Dearest One, and I always will!

PS: tonight, I saw a plane passing in and out of the clouds above me. At first I thought it was a flash of lightning, and then the aircraft emerged for several seconds before moving into another patch of clouds where only a faint glow marked its path until it appeared again. It kept up like this for a long time. What a beautiful sight. I hope you can see it too, from a different vantage point. And I wish we were there together.

Margaritaville!

You know, Sweets...Jimmy Buffett and I sound pretty darn good in a duet.

"Margaritaville" was on the radio as I pulled up to the house tonight. Perfect timing. I sang along and dedicated it to you! Jimmy is good medicine.

Ich liebe Sie!

Love you, love you. *kisses your photo as I do every night*

I hurt so much, Love...

My Dear Love...I need your strength and inspiration. I'm in a really bad place right now.

Nothing could make me feel "up" today, and that's the first time that's happened in a while. There's nobody to talk to right now. I just talked to TJ and it only made me feel worse. He's too pragmatic and I need someone who will lift me up and INSIST that I will feel better with time.

I'm so scared, Love.

I'm so scared about not getting the job that I so badly need and want...you know the one.

I'm so scared that I'll feel like this always.

I'm so scared that my life will go on for decades and that it will be decades of hell and loneliness. I want to know at least some of the happiness that we shared while you were with me here on earth. I want at least some of it back. Most of it. Dear Sweets, I don't know if I can go on with this loneliness and purposelessness.

I don't know who exactly I need to call on to bring your love and inspiration to me, so I'll call on everyone who I can think of: our God, our guides, our angels, and mostly you yourself.

I hurt so much, Love. I want you. I need you. If there's any way you can reach out to me, PLEASE DO IT!

I'm so alone right now and it's killing me. Don't let me fall, my Love. Come to me somehow, even if it's just to put a good peaceful feeling into my heart again. I feel like I'm dying. I want to feel alive and full of love and hope. Help me, Love. Be with me in spirit. Bring your love to me in any way you can.

I love you, Dearest. Whatever happens, wherever I go, wherever my path leads, know that you will always be my heart and soul and the greatest part of my life. And that you will be that way forever.

I love you. More than anything. Please come and love me back.

I sang sea shanties...

...in the car last night and tonight. All from the Bilge Rats repertoire.

"Brave work, me boys, brave work I say!
Sam's gone away aboard a man o' war."

I went to see Bonnie today and we spent several hours enjoying photos and videos of you and the boys riding Shotgun. Later, I shared a nice dinner with Bernice. We ate tiramisu for dessert and watched The Last Detective (our favorite show to watch together).

Off to Gainesville this afternoon to spend the weekend with Sis.

I miss you terribly, Sweets. Betsy and I have been exchanging emails. Her husband passed in 2006, and she went through everything I am. She's right: you and I are very blessed to have come together as soul mates. Not many people ever have something as precious as what we have, my Love.

Please watch over me always. Comfort and inspire me. Guide my heart toward happiness again.

I love you more than anything!

Airport lights

You know, Sweets...I cannot tell you how beautiful the lights on the St. Augustine Airport runways look at night. It's almost like Christmas.

I think it was you who first made that comparison. :-)

I love you, Dear Heart. Always!

Ups and downs

Mein Liebe,

Today I went to the Deland Airport and met with David. I also met someone named Wes who said he knew you as well. From there, I went to the Perfect Spot, sat at our usual window table, and had a sweet tea. My bag sat where you would have sat. It was not as painful there as I imagined, but the loneliness is with me always.

I can't sleep but four or five hours a night any more. I also can't sleep past 8:30 or 9:30 anymore no matter how late I stay up. I'm not sure why my body is doing this. I wake up with my heart pounding and anxiety running through me. Today was not as bad, but yesterday was hell.

I'm not meant to be without you. Why did this have to happen???

I miss you, Liebe. I am not a person without you. Why, why, why?

That awful dream the other night. I saw you, and we reached out to embrace each other, and then I woke up and saw your empty pillow.

It is so cruel.

And yet I know you want me to carry on. I even know that you want me to be happy.

Will I be happy, Sweets? I want to be. But the last nine years have been all about you, and you are such an intrinsic part of my identity that I wonder if I will ever feel truly alive, truly inspired, and truly happy ever again.

Was that you coming to me in a dream the other night? Or was it just my mind creating images. Either way, I longed to hold you. I want to dream about holding you, kissing you, loving you, feeling your warmth and your vitality, and to wake up sure that you are out there and that you reached out and found me again in the dream.

Please be there. Please come to me, in a dream...and preferably in reality. I would give anything in the universe to see you just one more time, for real, before we have to move on.

You are so beloved. By me and by everyone who knows you.

I hate that you're gone.

I need you.

I don't want to sink. Inspire me, Love. Please help to resurrect my happiness and will to live. Please be my angel and guide. Please be there for me always, no matter where we each may physically be.

I love you.

May we both be happy.