We all missed you on Christmas, my Love. But not to fear: we celebrated and enjoyed ourselves instead of dwelling out loud on the one who could not be with us, although I could feel how much everyone was missing you.
I feel bad for making Mom cry so much with the cards and gifts. I signed her card "in loving memory of John" and gave her a framed photo of your Navy portrait. They are supposed to be loving keepsakes, and I hope that in time they can bring her and Dad more smiles than tears.
I got cards from Arlette and Phil, Rhonda, Pat and Jeanette, and Betsy. All were thinking of you and wishing me peace. I hope that Chris was able to pick up your affects from Dad this evening. I was sorry to miss him and Michelle and the kids on Christmas.
I am with Michael and TJ again this week. Reverend Kasandra (who presided over the wedding back in April) is ill with terminal cancer and is in hospice care. I will be going with them to visit her this week. I also wanted to celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary with them. I thought it would help make the celebration happy and loving. We're going to Bravo's. It's a nice Italian restaurant here in Pittsburgh. I think you would like it.
Sometimes I miss you so much that it feels like there is a hole inside me the size of the universe. And sometimes I miss you and can smile and feel strong at the thought of all the wonderful moments we cherished. May the latter come to fill the former.
I love you, meine Engel. Merry Christmas and happy seventh anniversary!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
I got it!
I got the job, Liebe. And I know how proud you must be of me. I just wish you could have been there in person when I got the call.
I know you always had confidence in me. And now I must say it: "you were right, Sweets."
Michael is extremely proud of me too. He told me that he never had any doubt that I could do it. Bernice cheered when she heard the news too.
I owe this achievement to you. It was you all the way. I just showed up and did my thing, but I wouldn't even have known about the opportunity if not for you.
I love you, Dear Heart.
I just wish I didn't feel so horrible most of the time. I hope my prayers will be answered.
Love you, love you. More each day.
Share another dream with me soon? *Kisses your photo* Please?
I know you always had confidence in me. And now I must say it: "you were right, Sweets."
Michael is extremely proud of me too. He told me that he never had any doubt that I could do it. Bernice cheered when she heard the news too.
I owe this achievement to you. It was you all the way. I just showed up and did my thing, but I wouldn't even have known about the opportunity if not for you.
I love you, Dear Heart.
I just wish I didn't feel so horrible most of the time. I hope my prayers will be answered.
Love you, love you. More each day.
Share another dream with me soon? *Kisses your photo* Please?
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Terrible sometimes
Dear Liebe, I'm not sure I've felt quite this bad yet. I'm sure I have, but I just feel so hopeless. Will I ever have anything that makes me truly happy ever again? Will I ever get out of bed again, each day genuinely looking forward to something? Will life ever feel like life again?
All I want is to be with you, wherever you are. I pray to our God that it won't have to be too long before I can be with you again, and if it must, to give me something that makes me truly happy in the meantime.
The wrong one of us died, Love, I'm sure of that. I know that it would be just as hard for you to stay strong, but you WERE Aeromarine and every other one of our dreams. You didn't need me to make them work, only to provide assistance and inspiration. Plus, you would have the boys, and they would have needed you. And you know I would have been right there with you still, in whatever way I could. No, the far more valuable of the two of us is gone. I don't undersand why that is.
If there's a reason and purpose for me to still be there, I pray that it will become clear to me and that I don't have to wait oto long to get some glimpse or idea of it. I also pray, perhaps harder than anything (because I just can't bear the pain sometimes) that God give me something to restore happiness and meaning to my life.
Will te hurt ever abate? How long must I ache like this? I don't want to be here...I want to be with you. I want to go.
But it seems that I have no other choice but to stay. May God help me make that stay worthwhile and fulfilling again. Please God, bless me with happiness again.
And please, Love, if you can, reach out to me somehow so that I can wake up feeling your love and inspiration in my heart and soul, and move on the way you want me to. You believe in my strength and potential. Please, may I come to believe in it as well.
I love you, Dearest Heart.
And I will find a way to do good by you. Somehow. Just be with me in whatever way you can.
All I want is to be with you, wherever you are. I pray to our God that it won't have to be too long before I can be with you again, and if it must, to give me something that makes me truly happy in the meantime.
The wrong one of us died, Love, I'm sure of that. I know that it would be just as hard for you to stay strong, but you WERE Aeromarine and every other one of our dreams. You didn't need me to make them work, only to provide assistance and inspiration. Plus, you would have the boys, and they would have needed you. And you know I would have been right there with you still, in whatever way I could. No, the far more valuable of the two of us is gone. I don't undersand why that is.
If there's a reason and purpose for me to still be there, I pray that it will become clear to me and that I don't have to wait oto long to get some glimpse or idea of it. I also pray, perhaps harder than anything (because I just can't bear the pain sometimes) that God give me something to restore happiness and meaning to my life.
Will te hurt ever abate? How long must I ache like this? I don't want to be here...I want to be with you. I want to go.
But it seems that I have no other choice but to stay. May God help me make that stay worthwhile and fulfilling again. Please God, bless me with happiness again.
And please, Love, if you can, reach out to me somehow so that I can wake up feeling your love and inspiration in my heart and soul, and move on the way you want me to. You believe in my strength and potential. Please, may I come to believe in it as well.
I love you, Dearest Heart.
And I will find a way to do good by you. Somehow. Just be with me in whatever way you can.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Prost!
"Here's to family who couldn't be with us physically tonight."
"Prost!"
And with that, the three of us toasted to you with a wonderful imported Bavarian beer called Franziskaner Weisbeer. You would have loved it! Very mild, with a hint of sweetness. (Like me, you might be tempted to say.) I just hope that you were there in spirit.
I love you, Sweetness. I hope that I can always stay strong and be inspired by your love.
"Prost!"
And with that, the three of us toasted to you with a wonderful imported Bavarian beer called Franziskaner Weisbeer. You would have loved it! Very mild, with a hint of sweetness. (Like me, you might be tempted to say.) I just hope that you were there in spirit.
I love you, Sweetness. I hope that I can always stay strong and be inspired by your love.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Just...today
If I miss you this bad and feel so lonely in the home of those (still living) that I love most, imagine how bad it gets when I'm by myself at Kathrinstadt sometimes.
TJ hit the nail right on the head: I want the hurt to stop, but the hurt is a product of and testament to the love shared with the person lost.
But Love, I know you wouldn't want me to hurt this much. Nor would I you, were our roles reversed. But both of us know that, because of the nature of our love, such hurt is unavoidable. It's how we bear ourselves through it that matters and makes the difference. And I am trying to keep my head up and keep going just as you would want and expect.
I often ask the question, why you and not me? Is it because you wouldn't be able to be as strong as I am? I always felt you were the far stronger of the two of us (not to mention the more experienced, innovative, determined, enterprising, and so on), but then you used to say things about how you'd climb into a bittle or end it if you lost me. And I told you I would never want that for you and that I would need for you to carry on for me, and for those here on earth who still love you. So that's what I'm trying to do. I do think the more valuable of us was taken, and that's one of the reasons it seems so unfair (besides the obvious).
Grief feels too much like a chronic and debilitating illness. Or a disabling injury. Or anything else that takes away one's ability to feel happy, healthy, and whole. And the grieving walk among the non-grieving and have to feel different and see all that we're missing, and that doesn't help matters.
I asked Michael the other night whether he thought you chose to go in order to give me a financial advantage. And he insists that, no, you didn't. He's sure that you wanted to stay but just weren't able to because your body was no longer viable. I really hope you didn't give up because you thought it would make things better for me. That would make me angry. Not at you, just...angry. Because I would trade every cent and speck of material security just to have you back. I wouldn't think twice if I were given that chance. Michael insists that you would have given anything to be able to stay with me and the boys, but that you had no other choice.
I have enjoyed and am grateful for the dreams I've had of you. I wonder what to make of last night's. I hope what you said to me in the dream, and the enthusiasm of your reaction, reflects what you'd truly feel (now, not before) about the matter.
It goes without saying, but I miss you, Dear Heart. And I love you beyond words.
I pray that one day, not too long from now, telling you "I love you" will bring a smile to my lips and inspiration to my heart instead of just tears to my eyes and pangs of emptiness.
I love you desperately, Sweetest. And I always will, just as strong as ever.
TJ hit the nail right on the head: I want the hurt to stop, but the hurt is a product of and testament to the love shared with the person lost.
But Love, I know you wouldn't want me to hurt this much. Nor would I you, were our roles reversed. But both of us know that, because of the nature of our love, such hurt is unavoidable. It's how we bear ourselves through it that matters and makes the difference. And I am trying to keep my head up and keep going just as you would want and expect.
I often ask the question, why you and not me? Is it because you wouldn't be able to be as strong as I am? I always felt you were the far stronger of the two of us (not to mention the more experienced, innovative, determined, enterprising, and so on), but then you used to say things about how you'd climb into a bittle or end it if you lost me. And I told you I would never want that for you and that I would need for you to carry on for me, and for those here on earth who still love you. So that's what I'm trying to do. I do think the more valuable of us was taken, and that's one of the reasons it seems so unfair (besides the obvious).
Grief feels too much like a chronic and debilitating illness. Or a disabling injury. Or anything else that takes away one's ability to feel happy, healthy, and whole. And the grieving walk among the non-grieving and have to feel different and see all that we're missing, and that doesn't help matters.
I asked Michael the other night whether he thought you chose to go in order to give me a financial advantage. And he insists that, no, you didn't. He's sure that you wanted to stay but just weren't able to because your body was no longer viable. I really hope you didn't give up because you thought it would make things better for me. That would make me angry. Not at you, just...angry. Because I would trade every cent and speck of material security just to have you back. I wouldn't think twice if I were given that chance. Michael insists that you would have given anything to be able to stay with me and the boys, but that you had no other choice.
I have enjoyed and am grateful for the dreams I've had of you. I wonder what to make of last night's. I hope what you said to me in the dream, and the enthusiasm of your reaction, reflects what you'd truly feel (now, not before) about the matter.
It goes without saying, but I miss you, Dear Heart. And I love you beyond words.
I pray that one day, not too long from now, telling you "I love you" will bring a smile to my lips and inspiration to my heart instead of just tears to my eyes and pangs of emptiness.
I love you desperately, Sweetest. And I always will, just as strong as ever.
Monday, December 7, 2009
My home away from home
I love it here at Michael & TJ's. I know I'm not going to want to leave when the time comes. The one upside to the unlikely possibility that the job doesn't pan out is that it would offer me the opportunity to come up here again soon.
I remember the first time you and I came up here in 2005. Unfortunately, it was the only time you got to stay here with me, since you weren't given that time off for the wedding back in April.
I remember how hot it was in a house with no AC, and how you stuck to the leather couch when you tried to sleep on it!
I remember the wonderful seafood dish that Michael had waiting for us on the stove when we arrived, and how it was so rich that even after a long and hungry trip we couldn't finish it.
I remember listening to the Bilge Rats on the laptop with them, late into the night.
I remember the trip into Washington: Eat & Park, the Lemoyne house, and the day in the cemetery. I remember the three of you trying to pick up fallen headstones, and you saying something like what a "ballbuster" it was. I remember the tame deer that stuck their heads in through the car windows looking for handouts. I remember the photo session at the Montgomery family crypt and the brick we brought home. I remember how the three of you each woke up and saw a ghost that night, and I was the only one who didn't (story of my life).
I remember the long drive to and from. I made that drive on my own, as I mentioned. And I know how proud that must make you.
I only wish that neither Michael nor TJ had to work this week. Seeing them is wonderful. They are my family. And you and I are theirs and always will be.
I wish they lived in Florida! I would move them down there if I could.
We bought some genuine Bavarian beer. And some evening this week, we will toast to you!
Miss you, miss you, my Love.
You have no idea how much.
<3 Always.
I remember the first time you and I came up here in 2005. Unfortunately, it was the only time you got to stay here with me, since you weren't given that time off for the wedding back in April.
I remember how hot it was in a house with no AC, and how you stuck to the leather couch when you tried to sleep on it!
I remember the wonderful seafood dish that Michael had waiting for us on the stove when we arrived, and how it was so rich that even after a long and hungry trip we couldn't finish it.
I remember listening to the Bilge Rats on the laptop with them, late into the night.
I remember the trip into Washington: Eat & Park, the Lemoyne house, and the day in the cemetery. I remember the three of you trying to pick up fallen headstones, and you saying something like what a "ballbuster" it was. I remember the tame deer that stuck their heads in through the car windows looking for handouts. I remember the photo session at the Montgomery family crypt and the brick we brought home. I remember how the three of you each woke up and saw a ghost that night, and I was the only one who didn't (story of my life).
I remember the long drive to and from. I made that drive on my own, as I mentioned. And I know how proud that must make you.
I only wish that neither Michael nor TJ had to work this week. Seeing them is wonderful. They are my family. And you and I are theirs and always will be.
I wish they lived in Florida! I would move them down there if I could.
We bought some genuine Bavarian beer. And some evening this week, we will toast to you!
Miss you, miss you, my Love.
You have no idea how much.
<3 Always.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Morning again
First morning of my stay in Pittsburgh. There are snow flurries. I know how much you would have loved those.
It is strange and sad not to be able to call you first thing upon waking like I did every morning that I was up here for the wedding back in April. Even worse that I can never do so again, from anywhere.
I know it's not what you'd want me to think or say, but if the flu had to take you, I still wish it had taken me along with you. I will always wish that. I'm sorry.
I hope that life can bring me something that will make me glad to still be around. Can it? Right now, it's difficult to imagine anything of the sort. The best I manage to do is find something like my friendship with Michael and TJ that gives me some semblence of comfort and enjoyment in your absence, but even that is but a shadow of my former life.
What shall I do, Love? I don't want to spend my life hurting. What now?
I know what you would tell me. And what you'd tell me still doesn't give me you.
I need you.
And I don't have a choice when it comes to carrying on.
That's why I wish we could have gone together.
I love you, Dear Heart.
It is strange and sad not to be able to call you first thing upon waking like I did every morning that I was up here for the wedding back in April. Even worse that I can never do so again, from anywhere.
I know it's not what you'd want me to think or say, but if the flu had to take you, I still wish it had taken me along with you. I will always wish that. I'm sorry.
I hope that life can bring me something that will make me glad to still be around. Can it? Right now, it's difficult to imagine anything of the sort. The best I manage to do is find something like my friendship with Michael and TJ that gives me some semblence of comfort and enjoyment in your absence, but even that is but a shadow of my former life.
What shall I do, Love? I don't want to spend my life hurting. What now?
I know what you would tell me. And what you'd tell me still doesn't give me you.
I need you.
And I don't have a choice when it comes to carrying on.
That's why I wish we could have gone together.
I love you, Dear Heart.
Friday, December 4, 2009
I made it!
I made it to Pennsylvania in one piece, Liebe. But I'm sure you know that. You always had faith in me and believed that I would achieve anything I undertook. And it is largely because you believed in me that I have come to believe in myself as strongly as I do. I knew I could make this drive, no problem, and I did. But then again I had the best driving instructor/co-pilot in the world. *Kiss*
Michael and TJ and I have had such a great time reminiscing about you. I told them that sory about that silly kid that you intimidated that time in O'Malley's pub, and they were rolling on the floor. Michael said he would have paid to see that and wishes he could have been there to buy you a drink.
We looked at a bunch of old photos that Mom loaned me. There are a bunch of baby pictures that I adore...and I know that if you were here, you'd be saying "burn them, burn them now!" and hiding them all fro view. But I love them. My Sweetheart was such an adorable baby! I do want to know who that girl was, the one who was all over you in your sailor uniform... (Who could blame her?) Such a "chick magnet" indeed!
I am saying a special prayer for you tonight. I won't post it here. I just hope you hear it.
I love you, Dearest. Let's hope I see you again in my dreams soon. I loved that one the other night where we kissed! I adore you.
Gutes schlafen!
Ich liebe Sie!
Always.
Michael and TJ and I have had such a great time reminiscing about you. I told them that sory about that silly kid that you intimidated that time in O'Malley's pub, and they were rolling on the floor. Michael said he would have paid to see that and wishes he could have been there to buy you a drink.
We looked at a bunch of old photos that Mom loaned me. There are a bunch of baby pictures that I adore...and I know that if you were here, you'd be saying "burn them, burn them now!" and hiding them all fro view. But I love them. My Sweetheart was such an adorable baby! I do want to know who that girl was, the one who was all over you in your sailor uniform... (Who could blame her?) Such a "chick magnet" indeed!
I am saying a special prayer for you tonight. I won't post it here. I just hope you hear it.
I love you, Dearest. Let's hope I see you again in my dreams soon. I loved that one the other night where we kissed! I adore you.
Gutes schlafen!
Ich liebe Sie!
Always.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Bon voyage!
Well, Love, in the next ninety minutes I will be on my way to the wintry north to visit Michael and TJ. I don't have to tell you how much I wish you were sitting there beside me. I hope that you can be with me in whatever form you are able to. Please send me strength and happiness as I travel. I have my Traveling Angel pin from the cathedral close to my heart, along with many beautiful things you have given me. I miss you and love you, Dearest. Wish me bon voyage!
Ich liebe Sie!
Ich liebe Sie!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
I will forever be...
...your lovely "Rose of the Sea."
Remember that, Sweets? I always loved that nickname.
I love you so much, Darling.
Remember that, Sweets? I always loved that nickname.
I love you so much, Darling.
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