Your memorial

My Sweetest Love,

I hope your memorial celebration was everything you could have wished it would be. I hope that wherever you are, you were able to see all of us and the celebration we put together for you. So much love went into every part of it, from everyone who helped me put it together and from everyone who came. Everything went so well. It was so beautiful, and such a wonderful tribute to you. We all did our very best. I just hope that you were with us in spirit and that it meant as much to you as it did to us.

It's difficult for me to write to you this way, many times. I may not write another post for a while. But that just means that I am talking to you in my prayers and in my dreams instead, and believe me, I do that so often, every day.

I love you, Sweets. Here's to you, now and always. You are cherished by all who know you.

Ich liebe Sie!

Nothing?

I miss you so much, Dearest.

Why can't the peace and comfort last? Why does it seem so scarce sometimes?

What am I going to do after your memorial celebration is over? What happens if I feel like I have no purpose or chance for happiness left?

Many times, I really feel like I lost everything when I lost you.

Have I lost you? So many people insist that you're still with me in a spiritual form. I hope that's true. It's about the only thing sustaining me now.

What am I going to do, Love? If only I could find contentment...peace...purpose...fulfillment...all of those things I hoped I would have. If only I could hold our dear memories close and feel you close in my heart, and if only that could make me truly happy. I just don't know. What will I do?

I shouldn't let my thoughts and sadness run away like this. At night is when I feel almost peaceful, the closest to comfortable that I can. I shouldn't ruin it.

I just need you so much. I don't want to be here, Liebe. I just want to be with you.

Your sweet face is all over town. I handed out fliers today. We will have a wonderful turnout and your party will be the best. I just wish it could last forever. I want to love and celebrate you forever. Without you...I'm nothing.

May God help me. I'm not sure anyone or anything else can.

New Year!

Well, mein Liebe, it's 2010.

I would say "may this year be better than those that came before," but I'll always believe that the years 2001 through 2009 are the best of my life. You would call me looney...and maybe I am...but the years that we shared will always be cherished above all, no matter what the future may hold.

Thank God that I have been able to spend this time with Michael and TJ, or I don't know what I would have done.

It was looking like a dull new year's eve, and so I proposed going out for coffee...only to discover some lame dance party going on at our usual coffee house. So we went to downtown Pittsburgh for First Night after all. We ate some Chinese at this great hole-in-the-wall that the guys frequent, and I got some beautiful shots of the fireworks at midnight. The fireworks only filled half of the space between these two buildings, and it just seemed apt, since there is only one half of us still here on earth. But I like to think that you may have been watching the same show, just from a different vantage point. A better vantage point.

Happy New Year, Sweetest. Please fill my heart with your love and hope throughout the coming months and beyond. I know you would want me to make the most of this year, so please help to inspire me as you always did.

I love you, Dearest. Always.

Merry Christmas, with all my love

We all missed you on Christmas, my Love. But not to fear: we celebrated and enjoyed ourselves instead of dwelling out loud on the one who could not be with us, although I could feel how much everyone was missing you.

I feel bad for making Mom cry so much with the cards and gifts. I signed her card "in loving memory of John" and gave her a framed photo of your Navy portrait. They are supposed to be loving keepsakes, and I hope that in time they can bring her and Dad more smiles than tears.

I got cards from Arlette and Phil, Rhonda, Pat and Jeanette, and Betsy. All were thinking of you and wishing me peace. I hope that Chris was able to pick up your affects from Dad this evening. I was sorry to miss him and Michelle and the kids on Christmas.

I am with Michael and TJ again this week. Reverend Kasandra (who presided over the wedding back in April) is ill with terminal cancer and is in hospice care. I will be going with them to visit her this week. I also wanted to celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary with them. I thought it would help make the celebration happy and loving. We're going to Bravo's. It's a nice Italian restaurant here in Pittsburgh. I think you would like it.

Sometimes I miss you so much that it feels like there is a hole inside me the size of the universe. And sometimes I miss you and can smile and feel strong at the thought of all the wonderful moments we cherished. May the latter come to fill the former.

I love you, meine Engel. Merry Christmas and happy seventh anniversary!

I got it!

I got the job, Liebe. And I know how proud you must be of me. I just wish you could have been there in person when I got the call.

I know you always had confidence in me. And now I must say it: "you were right, Sweets."

Michael is extremely proud of me too. He told me that he never had any doubt that I could do it. Bernice cheered when she heard the news too.

I owe this achievement to you. It was you all the way. I just showed up and did my thing, but I wouldn't even have known about the opportunity if not for you.

I love you, Dear Heart.

I just wish I didn't feel so horrible most of the time. I hope my prayers will be answered.

Love you, love you. More each day.

Share another dream with me soon? *Kisses your photo* Please?

Terrible sometimes

Dear Liebe, I'm not sure I've felt quite this bad yet. I'm sure I have, but I just feel so hopeless. Will I ever have anything that makes me truly happy ever again? Will I ever get out of bed again, each day genuinely looking forward to something? Will life ever feel like life again?

All I want is to be with you, wherever you are. I pray to our God that it won't have to be too long before I can be with you again, and if it must, to give me something that makes me truly happy in the meantime.

The wrong one of us died, Love, I'm sure of that. I know that it would be just as hard for you to stay strong, but you WERE Aeromarine and every other one of our dreams. You didn't need me to make them work, only to provide assistance and inspiration. Plus, you would have the boys, and they would have needed you. And you know I would have been right there with you still, in whatever way I could. No, the far more valuable of the two of us is gone. I don't undersand why that is.

If there's a reason and purpose for me to still be there, I pray that it will become clear to me and that I don't have to wait oto long to get some glimpse or idea of it. I also pray, perhaps harder than anything (because I just can't bear the pain sometimes) that God give me something to restore happiness and meaning to my life.

Will te hurt ever abate? How long must I ache like this? I don't want to be here...I want to be with you. I want to go.

But it seems that I have no other choice but to stay. May God help me make that stay worthwhile and fulfilling again. Please God, bless me with happiness again.

And please, Love, if you can, reach out to me somehow so that I can wake up feeling your love and inspiration in my heart and soul, and move on the way you want me to. You believe in my strength and potential. Please, may I come to believe in it as well.

I love you, Dearest Heart.

And I will find a way to do good by you. Somehow. Just be with me in whatever way you can.

Prost!

"Here's to family who couldn't be with us physically tonight."

"Prost!"

And with that, the three of us toasted to you with a wonderful imported Bavarian beer called Franziskaner Weisbeer. You would have loved it! Very mild, with a hint of sweetness. (Like me, you might be tempted to say.) I just hope that you were there in spirit.

I love you, Sweetness. I hope that I can always stay strong and be inspired by your love.