Your memorial

My Sweetest Love,

I hope your memorial celebration was everything you could have wished it would be. I hope that wherever you are, you were able to see all of us and the celebration we put together for you. So much love went into every part of it, from everyone who helped me put it together and from everyone who came. Everything went so well. It was so beautiful, and such a wonderful tribute to you. We all did our very best. I just hope that you were with us in spirit and that it meant as much to you as it did to us.

It's difficult for me to write to you this way, many times. I may not write another post for a while. But that just means that I am talking to you in my prayers and in my dreams instead, and believe me, I do that so often, every day.

I love you, Sweets. Here's to you, now and always. You are cherished by all who know you.

Ich liebe Sie!

Nothing?

I miss you so much, Dearest.

Why can't the peace and comfort last? Why does it seem so scarce sometimes?

What am I going to do after your memorial celebration is over? What happens if I feel like I have no purpose or chance for happiness left?

Many times, I really feel like I lost everything when I lost you.

Have I lost you? So many people insist that you're still with me in a spiritual form. I hope that's true. It's about the only thing sustaining me now.

What am I going to do, Love? If only I could find contentment...peace...purpose...fulfillment...all of those things I hoped I would have. If only I could hold our dear memories close and feel you close in my heart, and if only that could make me truly happy. I just don't know. What will I do?

I shouldn't let my thoughts and sadness run away like this. At night is when I feel almost peaceful, the closest to comfortable that I can. I shouldn't ruin it.

I just need you so much. I don't want to be here, Liebe. I just want to be with you.

Your sweet face is all over town. I handed out fliers today. We will have a wonderful turnout and your party will be the best. I just wish it could last forever. I want to love and celebrate you forever. Without you...I'm nothing.

May God help me. I'm not sure anyone or anything else can.

New Year!

Well, mein Liebe, it's 2010.

I would say "may this year be better than those that came before," but I'll always believe that the years 2001 through 2009 are the best of my life. You would call me looney...and maybe I am...but the years that we shared will always be cherished above all, no matter what the future may hold.

Thank God that I have been able to spend this time with Michael and TJ, or I don't know what I would have done.

It was looking like a dull new year's eve, and so I proposed going out for coffee...only to discover some lame dance party going on at our usual coffee house. So we went to downtown Pittsburgh for First Night after all. We ate some Chinese at this great hole-in-the-wall that the guys frequent, and I got some beautiful shots of the fireworks at midnight. The fireworks only filled half of the space between these two buildings, and it just seemed apt, since there is only one half of us still here on earth. But I like to think that you may have been watching the same show, just from a different vantage point. A better vantage point.

Happy New Year, Sweetest. Please fill my heart with your love and hope throughout the coming months and beyond. I know you would want me to make the most of this year, so please help to inspire me as you always did.

I love you, Dearest. Always.